Sometimes I just want to get inside the mind of someone who purposefully acquired a big, dumb, slobbering mess of a dog, just to see if they have any sense in there. If they do, I’d love to lobotomize their noodles until someone feels the need to go all Chief Bromden on their ass. The eternal question has always been, “cat or dog?” Why hasn’t anyone actually looked at the real question? That being, “why the fuck would you get a big, dumb, slobbering dog that’s going to do nothing but terrorize the fuck out of your life and those around you?” That’s my question.

So I’ve got this friend of mine who’s a former coworker. Said friend gets a dog and loves the hell out of her. Over the couple years he’s had her, we actually suspect he’s having an affair with her over his girlfriend, but that’s another story, for another kumbaya campfire. He spoke about how well behaved she was, and how smart she was, and wouldn’t shut up about the damn dog. I kept hearing him speak of bringing her into work, and since I had never seen the dog, I didn’t care. I took his word that she was fine…wrong idea…

So one day he brings her in. I see this dog come bounding in like a goofy cow trying to run through tires. The dog didn’t know how to run, and apparently stopping wasn’t one of her abilities either because the first thing she did was run straight into a glass computer desk that was some 10m away. It’s not as if she accidentally hit it by sliding to avoid it. No, this dog just apparently doesn’t know the concept of a wall or any other obstacle. My friend started throwing a tennis ball in the office for her to chase after, and instead of waiting for the ball to bounce off the wall, she continuously tried to run through it. This dog deserved a fucking trophy for being a dumbass.

I was getting pretty pissed at how this dog was barreling through shit. It was a fucking tornado that flew through the office, and at one point I’m yelling, “control your fucking dog before I beat the living shit out of it!” He just didn’t get it. He thought we were all having fun playing with her, but the shit had to stop. I was restraining myself as much as possible to keep from providing a right hook across her face. It’s not in my nature to do so, but boy were my nerves pressed hard at the time. When a dog is a cyclone and completely damaging everything you own, what’s the point in having the dog? Dogs are friends and companions, not hell-hounds bent on causing thousands of dollars worth of damage to all your belongings.

It wasn’t but a few minutes into the play session my friend was having that someone stepped in a puddle of drool. Everywhere this fucking dog went, you needed a Sham-Wow to clean up because you know the Germans always make good stuff. This fucking dog was in the office maybe 20 or 30 minutes; it was a lunch break. I have no idea what the final cost of the damage was, but the cleaning crew had a few choice words for our bosses.

So this experience, on top of others I’ve had with similar dogs, makes me wonder what the fuck the owners are smoking to even want something so damn destructive and disgusting. Is it some kind of huge plot against an evil friend where they’re going to raise a dog for years and then just ask a friend to watch it for a day or two and ruin everything in their place? I’d really like to know. My friend did nothing but laugh at the destruction his dog was causing, and I’d do nothing but laugh if she ran through some glass doors and poked her eyes out.

Let such breeds fucking die out like they should. Stop continuing the stupidity and destruction from these big dumb things. These big, dumb, drooling dogs give dogs a bad name and give ever more fuel to the cat lovers’ fire in the epic “cat vs. dog” argument that’s been going on since the dawn of time.