I love walking around the streets looking at girls and imagining what they’d wear to a costume party. Would she be the kind of girl who just wears lingerie without any thought in the costume, or would she dress like the bitch slut she really is and theme up the sexiness? It all comes to fruition when the parties roll around, and damn have there been some good ones in the past.

Mardi Gras comes close to the craziness, but that’s just a celebration of craziness and fun. Halloween, on the other foot, presents itself as a time to let the girl ride you, not because you’re fucking wasted off your ass and can’t perform, but because the girls are usually so fucking horny they want the power trip.

I’ve heard so many people bitch and complain about all the girls dressing like sluts, and how there’s never any good costume out there for a girl. To them, I say, “eat a dick, please”. The best costumes aren’t bought, nor are they expensive. The best costumes are the thoughtful ones, the ones that make you laugh, the ones people remember. As for the criticisms towards girls always being slutty for costume parties, the gripes are usually poised by whales whom are so uncomfortable with their own self-image that they demand everyone else be as miserable as they are. Fuck you and that whale you… uhh… road in on? Wait, that joke didn’t come out quite as planned.

Who gives a shit about kids running around asking for candy? They’ll get plenty of candy from me if I’m around, but the real fun is growing up and having the costumed delights running around you. I just fucking love Halloween for all the fucked up stuff you’re allowed and even expected to do and say. This ain’t no mistletoe you kiss under, it’s a damn skull dripping blood and bats flying out of the eyes that you fuck the sexy teacher under. Woo-hoo!

I think the only reason it’s still in production is because it’s such a horrible product. I think it’s sold by sadists torturing kids. The kids eat it, vomit, and then go suck a dick to get the taste out of their mouths. Damn pedophiles using candy corn to tempt kids into bad acts is just damn wrong. But it still doesn’t add up to anything. Molesters aren’t random strangers; they’re usually close friends and family, so why do people actually hand out candy corn anymore if not for the kids I wonder.

It’s the longest running gag in the history of modern society. The joke needs to fucking stop and stop immediately. I remember going door to door as a kid and running up with all the other kids with a huge smile on my face. I remember the person at the door with a huge bowl of candy saying whatever it is they say when opening the door; usually something stupid and not worth remembering. I remember them tossing something into a bag or plastic pumpkin I’d be holding to collect the candy and other treats. I remember running off without looking at the gift horse, and then when I rendezvoused with the rest of my gang to examine our spoils, my heart sank. I didn’t receive the crown jewel of Halloween candies, Reese’s buttercups, but instead was left with the flattest note around. I was left with plastic triangles acting like candy, the spy in our army’s base. You couldn’t trade anything for them, nor give them away. Nobody wanted them, not even the parents stealing their kids’ candy; yes, we knew parents stole our stuff. Candy corn is the old maid of candy, and even worse than a 7-2 off. There’s no point to them, and how the production companies have tricked so many people into continuing this game befuddles me entirely.

I got a kick out of people who’d give away nickels and quarters because I’m a numismatist. I thought it was funny when they’d offer a trick instead of a treat. I laughed at people who got all worked up about everything. We all wanted one thing in the end, candy and lots of it. When the kids go to trick-or-treat, they’re wanting candy, not tri… Oh, it’s all one big fucking joke, one big trick. Ok, I get it now, touché salesman, but I still hate the shit.