Mad Beach Bum » Billy Mays http://madbeachbum.com I'm a bum on the beach that gets mad and likes to vent. Fri, 15 Jan 2010 00:43:59 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! http://madbeachbum.com/2009/10/30/hi-billy-mays-here/ http://madbeachbum.com/2009/10/30/hi-billy-mays-here/#comments Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:33:28 +0000 The Bum http://madbeachbum.com/?p=193 SO I KNOW IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THE BASTARD DIED, BUT NOBODY TRULY UNDERSTANDS THE IMPACT HE HAD IN MY LIFE. I’M THAT GUY WHO WORKS LATE INTO THE NIGHT, AND BECAUSE I HAVE TINNITUS I NEED NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND TO KEEP SANE. BILLY MAYS WAS THE ONLY PERSON ON TV AT THOSE HOURS TO HELP JUST BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, AND MADE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE. WHO THE HELL CRANKS THEIR VOICE TO 11 TO SELL SOMETHING? SHOULDN’T HE HAD TRIED BEING CALMER TO BRING THE CUSTOMERS CLOSER INSTEAD?

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…

IF YOU CALL NOW, I’LL OFFER YOU A STEEL FRYING PAN ACROSS THE HEAD. I’LL EVEN THROW IN A WAFFLE IRON TO CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR DICK TO GET THOSE HIGHLY COVETED PATTERNS THAT ALL THE LADIES LOVE. IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP, I’LL THROW YOU DOWN AND RAPE YOU; I HATE BEING THE NICE GUY. IF YOU DO SHUT UP, I’LL SHOVE THIS HERCULES HOOK IN YOUR EYE. IF YOU DON’T STOP MASTURBATING, I’LL SWITCH OUT YOUR LOTION WITH MIGHTY PUTTY. IF YOU DON’T STRAIGHTEN UP, I’LL SELL YOUR BITCH ASS TO JUPITER JACK SO HE COULD GO ALL JUPITER JACK ON YOUR ASS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HE WAS SAYING, BUT THE NOISE WASN’T COMFORTING. IT’S LIKE HAVING SOMEONE SLAP YOU IN THE FACE WITH A TROUT TO KEEP YOU AWAKE AT THE WHEEL. NO, THAT’S NOT IT. MORE LIKE TRYING TO SIT ON GLASS TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION ALERT, AND HAVING A FRAT FRIEND WALK BY AND DROP A 400LB WHALE OF A GIRL IN YOUR LAP AS A JOKE. NO, STILL NOT GETTING THE EMOTION ACROSS. BEING STUCK IN PRISON WHEN A GROUP OF SISTERS CALLING YOU ANDY START TO MOVE IN ON YOU, AND I’D LIKE TO SAY YOU PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT AND THE SISTERS LET YOU BE, BUT PRISON AIN’T NO FAIRY TALE WORLD.

THIS IS MAKING ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE, PERHAPS 3.9 CENTS I’D WAGER, AS A CHIHUAHUA TURNING TRICKS IN KENNELS FOR THE PIT BULLS FOR A LITTLE KIBBLE. I’M SO DAMN GLAD THE INFOMERCIALS AND SUCH NOW HAVE A MORE SOOTHING VOICE ATTACHED TO THEM. I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT IN PARTICULAR WHERE I WAS TRYING TO FIND ANYTHING ON, AND NOT A SINGLE STATION HAD ANYTHING ON AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING. I COUNTED 29 OF THE 70 DIFFERENT CHANNELS DRINKING THE MAYS KOOL-AIDE AT A SINGLE POINT IN TIME. I NEARLY LOST IT TOSSING MYSELF OUT THE WINDOW INSTEAD OF MY TV. HOW THE HELL DID SUCH A GUY PUT UP WITH YELLING SO FUCKING MUCH? I HAVE A TOUGH TIME DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT, AND HAVE GONE DAYS WITHOUT SO MUCH AS MUTTERING TO MYSELF. WHO THE HELL THOUGHT IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD IDEA FOR A GUY TO YELL AT YOUR FACE LIKE A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC TO SELL A PRODUCT. APPARENTLY I WASN’T ALONE; LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WAS FINALLY ABLE TO MUTE THE GUY AFTER ALL.

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