When did having pant cuffs dragging on the ground become a style that everybody followed? If I’m not mistaken, Pedro Martinez has holes put in the back of his pant cuffs so his spikes can go through. What the fuck kind of functionality does this serve?

When I played, there was a fad where pants were supposed to be super tight and full-length. I wasn’t going to a fucking Queen concert, I was playing baseball. I wanted baggy knickerbockers that didn’t reach beyond the knee, and socks that came up to meet; baggy for comfort, and short for functionality. This is the classic baseball look, and wearing a specific uniform for a sport should have a specific feeling to it. When playing American football, I wear pads. When playing association football, aka soccer, I wear cleats and shin-guards. When playing basketball, I wear loose shorts to allow for free movement. When I’m playing baseball, I want my god damn knickerbockers.

I hold no favorable opinion on stirrups as part of the uniform, as I found them annoying when they’d slide past the heel and just be a dangling sock flapping in the breeze like I’m on a nude beach or something. The pants in baseball should reach the same location as with football pants. They’ve got socks that go up that high, so it’s not a problem of finding socks.

The tight pants my teammates used to wear have the same purpose as my knickerbockers. For starters, it prevents the ump from getting confused in the fabric on close feet-first slides. I’d always steal bases and stretch my hits. I’d constantly hook slide and dive into bags. I wore long baggy pants once and the apposing player stepped on the pant preventing my foot from reaching base while he received the ball, so I was out. With knickerbockers, this is never a problem because with a hook slide, your lower leg is always free from such steps. Don’t think the bastards playing the middle don’t do shit like that; I sure did, we all knowingly did shit like that when I played. That’s part of the game, and the joy.

I see the fucking bastards on television not trying to beat throws out. Not trying to squeak out that win. Not trying to do a damn thing other than look pretty. They wear the long baggy pants below their cleats because they don’t get into dicey situations, because they don’t try, because they want to look pretty for the camera. Fuck’em. May they die of gonorrhea and rise in hell (laces out).

You see most of the players in the box resting their bat against their cup, not out of convenience, but because they’re accustomed to it. Behind that cup is the giant pussy they regularly cram that bat in. There’s no dignity anymore, and it’s all about “me, me, me” or “I, I, I”. The only player that can possibly win by themself is the pitcher, but I know of no professional pitcher to strike out 27 (24 if they’re home) batters in a game.