I look at the device and see it’s a black brick with a piece of glass. It turns on and I’m immediately supposed to be taking it from Apple in complete obedience? That’s just not how I role-play. I see from the commercials that you’ve got an app for everything, but I must get everything from you guys. I can’t just go somewhere else and get something I want because you might disagree with it, and ban such actions. I’m a sick, twisted fuck, and I like having sick, twisted shit. I don’t want some completely unholy mess of an applications list forcing me to get an additional app just to organize all the apps. I’ve seen the apps my friends have, and it’s worse than Biloxi, Mississippi after Katrina.

I want a damn keyboard I can tell I’m pressing. I don’t want some on-screen display saying “push here for candy” to get a single letter. I want something I can use behind my back when I need to make those “secret” messages. What about the blind? They need phones too, but I guess they’re too different to be able to properly use something that’s only viewed as a fashion accessory. The blind don’t have to look good too, do they?

I can’t begin to explain how many times I’ve had friends iDial me when the phone is somehow becomes unlocked and calls me. I’ve heard some interesting conversations just dropping some eaves, but it gets annoying. What about a physical switch or key combo to actually unlock the phone? There’s just a touchscreen, and nothing special about that aside from getting overly greasy from being pressed against your face. You just have to treat it like a girl and touch it in the right places at the right time to have it act the way you want it to. I’ve actually slid a friend’s phone along the carpet and unlocked it and had it fucking dial someone. Seriously Apple, you can’t make a decent device that actually works well, but instead have to go on aesthetics alone? Oh wait, you guys are the fucktards who want everybody to use single-button mice because two buttons is too fucking complicated to understand.

I hate the iPhone with a passion. So much in fact, that I decided to relieve users of some cash to pad my wallet. I can find my way around a few computers, and decided to make some apps for the device a while back. I started the entire process and got to the point where Apple didn’t tell you anything about their device. It was a complete circle-jerk for current Mac developers. “Remember how wonderful it is to develop for the Mac? We’ve brought that experience to iPhone.” Wait, people actually enjoy this shit? Please pass whatever the hell you’re spiking their drinks with over to me. To make an app, you either have to be a pre-schooler doing point-and-click stuff, or have a PhD in encrypted Gaelic transliterated into fucking Siberian using the Korean alphabet with a Sanskrit accent or some shit. There’s no useful information they provide, and I’d rather have more teeth pulled than deal with their shit again.

This all reminds me of a story involving a monkey and an apple. This guy brings a monkey into a bar and they sit and order drinks. The guy gets whisky and the monkey a Shirley Temple. The drinks come and the monkey takes the cherry, shoves it up his ass, and then eats it. The bartender freaks, “what the hell?” The guy then begins to explain that the monkey used to eat everything in site without caution; cherries, peanuts, whatever he got his hands on. The monkey then grabbed a small apple and swallowed it whole and nearly choked. The apple was fake and therefore didn’t digest, and the monkey was in extreme pain for over a week as he tried to pass it through. Nowadays, the monkey sizes everything up first by shoving it up his ass because he doesn’t want to get raped again like he was by that apple.