What someone does in the privacy of their own home is their own fucking business. I caught wind of some guy walking around naked in his own home, and then got arrested for indecent exposure because some lady was walking outside with her kid and saw his dick. It’s just a dick, and he’s in his home. Is he supposed to make sure every single window is mirrored from the outside, draped in curtains, blacked out, and boarded up before he can relax in his own home? What if he has a friend over for a little action, are they supposed to retreat into a panic room so the cops aren’t called? Is that lady so fucking stuck up and a prude that she’s never seen a dick before in her life? She sounds like the real-life female version of Ned Flanders. She was walking around with her fuck trophy,…
Oct 22 2009
The turtles coming out of their shell on… Nickelodeon? Huh‽
You ever have that feeling of being slapped in the face with a huge ass trout? I mean, really being hit hard to the point where you have to pick the scales off individually. I just had that happen when I heard Nickelodeon purchased the world-wide rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. What the hell are the guys at Nick doing? I don’t know whether to think they’ll treat the property well, or treat it like Doug and view it as an investment to offload later. Isn’t this confusion exactly what I ranted about just a few days ago? Excuse me while I pick my scruffy-assed chin off the damn floor with a forklift. I seriously don’t know what to think about this. Paramount, Nick’s parent company, is in the movie business and wants to turn out more turtles movies. After the disaster that was TMNT, I’m hoping…
Oct 21 2009
The pants of baseball must come off
When it comes to baseball, I’m a purist. I’m a White Sox and Cubs fan respectfully, and even though my prime team is in the American League with the designated hitter, I am wholeheartedly against it. I am a throwback baseball fan to when throwing and hitting styles were natural and not mechanical, but there’s something that bothers me so much that I can’t stand watching many games anymore. It’s the way the pants are worn, and for how silly it may sound, it doesn’t just piss me off, it makes me want to throw myself through a mirror and get out of this bizarro world entirely. When did having pant cuffs dragging on the ground become a style that everybody followed? If I’m not mistaken, Pedro Martinez has holes put in the back of his pant cuffs so his spikes can go through. What the fuck kind of functionality…
Oct 20 2009
I need an Independence Day from that movie
There I was. Watching some good old television over the weekend, and there’s no football on, so I’m just flipping the channels by faster than a Filipino hooker turning tricks on the corner. I come across a movie playing on some station that I immediately remembered and started watching it. It’s a movie that I did enjoy and thought was pretty entertaining throughout, so I kept watching. That is until I remembered how fucked up the ending is and had to walk away before I got deep into the plot and couldn’t pull out in time. Independence Day my ass; try War of the Worlds but “spicier” as translated into “let’s just give up on a fucking ending”. For those of you who aren’t informed enough on the War of the Worlds story, aliens come and attack Earth and beat the shit out of the people. The way they’re defeated…
Oct 19 2009
Big, dumb, slobbering mess of a dog
So what say you, cats or dogs? Dogs? Ok, big or little? Big? Ok, smart or dumb? Dumb? Ok, how about drooling and slobbering, care to desire that as well? Yes? Oh boy, do I have a medal just in store for you. I believe it’s called the “Seriously, what the fuck are you smoking” award. Yeah, it’s the second most prestigious award in the world behind the Darwin Awards; just ahead of the Golden Raspberry Awards. Sometimes I just want to get inside the mind of someone who purposefully acquired a big, dumb, slobbering mess of a dog, just to see if they have any sense in there. If they do, I’d love to lobotomize their noodles until someone feels the need to go all Chief Bromden on their ass. The eternal question has always been, “cat or dog?” Why hasn’t anyone actually looked at the real question? That…
Oct 18 2009
Make the laughter stop!
So what’s worse, hearing a bad joke or hearing fake laughter at the bad joke? By fake laughter, I’m not talking about the sarcastic laughter people do, like me, to make the teller of the joke feel like an idiot. We’re asses, and I’m quite content at being that. I’m talking about canned laughs; the shit that’s all over American sitcoms on television. I don’t know if it’s more painful to watch a sitcom and be told when to laugh, or just not find a joke remotely funny and hear the cues to laugh. This isn’t 1984, and the audience isn’t that fucking stupid. We get the jokes, and your jokes aren’t funny. Learn to write something actually funny and have it said in front of an audience; there’s your laugh track. I don’t know who first thought of a laugh track. Whoever they were, I hope their corpse has…
Oct 17 2009
I am so wired
I work at a computer for a living, and I spend way too much damn time working with computers. I like things to go as smoothly as possible, and then I like to just leave and forget everything dealing with work or the computer. I have a huge problem with wireless devices, specifically wireless mice and keyboards. With everyone praising wireless like the next coming of Scooby-Doo, I must interject a bit. The problem isn’t with usability; it’s with those fucking batteries and the cost of convenience. What happens when batteries die in a mouse is I’m going about my business and everything just stops working, causing me to lose scores of hours a year fixing everything. What happens when the batteries die in the keyboard is I’m typing and have an entire mental workflow and the computer instantly becomes possessed. Letters start magically repeating. Keys pressed don’t register. The…
Oct 17 2009
ET found his green card
So someone creates a hilarious costume of an illegal alien; you know, ET, not Mexican. I’m so damn glad I’m not in southern California and have to listen to all the crap about illegal aliens this, and illegal aliens that. Oh wait, the entertainment industry is based in California…shit. Why do people just assume that an illegal alien is Mexican? I know many illegal aliens whom are Russian, Turkish, Jamaican, Romanian, Chinese, Thai, or even Cuban. Why limit it to just Mexicans? I find that racist and very distasteful, mean-spirited, and ignorant of the fact that there are more countries than just Mexico and the USA. The company that made the hilarious costume is based in Wisconsin. You think they give two shits about Mexicans way the hell up there? All they want to do is club baby seals like Canada. They’re mocking those idiots in California putting up such…
Oct 16 2009
A Popcorn Balloon
So there’s my new theme song for the kid whom everyone thought went on a high stakes balloon ride across Colorado. It’s set to the Reading Rainbow theme if you missed it. Because of all the calls I got to check the news about him, I hope his ass is very sore. I don’t know the kid; I don’t care to know anything about him, and he pissed me off for the inconvenience of the whole mess. Kudos for being scared and hiding in a box, in the attic.
Oct 16 2009
Letterman had sex‽ Gasp!
What someone does in the privacy of their home or on their own time is their own damn business. I’m seeing all over the magazines and news channels about David Letterman having affairs with all sorts of women who used to work for him. Healthy relationships can arise from boss and subordinate relationships, so chill the fuck off already. David Letterman had sex, big whoop, wanna fight about it? What’s the real news on this story? Anyone care to wager a guess or six? It’s that some asshat tried to blackmail Letterman because he knew about the relationships. Blackmail, extortion, whatever you care to call it it’s still a first-rate crime. This is a clear example of the risk celebrities put themselves in just to do a job. In Letterman’s case, he’s a very low-profile person, so it makes it even harsher that someone would pull such a stunt on…
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