So it’s Halloween time again, and I love every minute of it. There is one thing I absolutely fucking hate with a passion well beyond what most people would imagine. I fucking loathe candy corn and everything that revolves around it. I don’t know who came up with it, thought it was a good product to sell, thought it remotely tasted good, or even who thought it was a brilliant idea to put “candy” next to “corn” for the product name. I don’t know many things, but this is one product that shouldn’t be around any longer.
I think the only reason it’s still in production is because it’s such a horrible product. I think it’s sold by sadists torturing kids. The kids eat it, vomit, and then go suck a dick to get the taste out of their mouths. Damn pedophiles using candy corn to tempt kids into bad acts…
Oct 31 2009
Corn should never be called candy… EVER!!!
Oct 30 2009
Where’d all the music go?
What the hell does the ‘M’ in MTV even stand for anymore? The only time I ever fly by the channel is when I’m trying to cross the road and it’s nothing but reality shows. I have no idea how this network, which was originally designed to show nothing but music videos, transformed into its current state of turmoil. It’s like looking at a damn golden retriever and wondering how the fuck it birthed a three-toed sloth. I wonder just how many of MTV’s current target demographic actually know that MTV once played music; it was called music-fucking-television for a reason after all.
I’ve long written off the station as a used syringe laced with hepatitis and HIV since that’s all they seem to literally show anymore. I guess the controllers gave up making and showing videos of drugged out rock stars and just started showing drugged out kids instead. It…
Oct 30 2009
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!
SO I KNOW IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THE BASTARD DIED, BUT NOBODY TRULY UNDERSTANDS THE IMPACT HE HAD IN MY LIFE. I’M THAT GUY WHO WORKS LATE INTO THE NIGHT, AND BECAUSE I HAVE TINNITUS I NEED NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND TO KEEP SANE. BILLY MAYS WAS THE ONLY PERSON ON TV AT THOSE HOURS TO HELP JUST BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, AND MADE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE. WHO THE HELL CRANKS THEIR VOICE TO 11 TO SELL SOMETHING? SHOULDN’T HE HAD TRIED BEING CALMER TO BRING THE CUSTOMERS CLOSER INSTEAD?
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…
IF YOU CALL NOW, I’LL OFFER YOU A STEEL FRYING PAN ACROSS THE HEAD. I’LL EVEN THROW IN A WAFFLE IRON TO CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR DICK TO GET THOSE HIGHLY COVETED PATTERNS THAT ALL THE LADIES LOVE. IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP, I’LL THROW YOU DOWN AND RAPE YOU; I HATE BEING THE…
Oct 28 2009
The iPhone and Apple’s choices with it
Am I the only person in the fucking world that isn’t sucking Apple’s dick over their iPhone? I know the damn thing’s been out for quite some time now, and it’s still a piece of shit phone. I wouldn’t trade my four year old Palm Treo 650 for an iPhone, two strawberry tarts, six grains of rice, and a week with Balinese strippers. I’d gladly give it up for some action with a world-class gymnast though; oh, my mind’s doing handsprings thinking about the possible positions with flexibility like that. Down boy…Down!
I look at the device and see it’s a black brick with a piece of glass. It turns on and I’m immediately supposed to be taking it from Apple in complete obedience? That’s just not how I role-play. I see from the commercials that you’ve got an app for everything, but I must get everything from you guys. I…
Oct 27 2009
Let me eat mor chikin already
Why must one of the best fast-food chains not be available when I need it? That’s just mean and I don’t fucking appreciate it. Every single time I get a craving for something on their menu, I always have to quickly check the calendar to see if they’re open. I really get pissed off when I’m craving a chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A only to find out it’s Sunday and they’re not fucking open. Why the fuck do you make such good chicken orders, yet not let me buy it? That’s the definition of cruel and inhumane punishment.
The place is more of a cock tease than one girl I was with who gently pulled down my pants and gave me a gentle kiss down there, only to say, “we’ll revisit this tomorrow”. Fuck it all! When I’m able to pitch denim, I really want that itch scratched. I don’t care if…
Oct 26 2009
You can’t “realign” a back
I’m sick and tired of hearing people going to their chiropractor to get their back “realigned”. You’re not honing an edge on a knife. You’re not untwisting a clothes hanger. You’re not doing rock star movement #4. You can’t just realign a spine by pushing and pulling; you need surgery to do such a thing.
I’d be willing to wager that many who actually think their backs are being realigned believe in homeopathy too. How about healing stones while we’re at it? The general populous is full of ignorant dipshits I tell you. You can’t lick your back because your spine won’t let you. That’s just how the body works, and you can’t change it without some serious injury or force.
If you could actually realign a back through massage, then why don’t scoliosis patients have their problems treated with them? Answer me that one. They have seriously fucked up spines that…
Oct 25 2009
TLC: The Learning Channel, not Tender Loving Care
What ever happened to The Learning Channel? I’m not talking about that station that’s masquerading under the acronyms TLC. I’m talking about the namesake. What ever happened to the station that would actually show something interesting to fucking watch? What ever happened to the station that was very honest about what it wanted to do, teach in an entertaining fashion? Stop acting like you’re The Learning Channel already, and go ahead and change your fucking name to The Lifetime Channel or The Little Children because that’s all you seem to be showing anyway.
When did educational material become looked down upon? What bitch in a skirt decided to avoid math and science to push a housewife channel under the guise of TLC? Girls like interesting things too. It’s asshats like those in charge of this TLC station pushing bullshit…shit. Since TLC obviously has had a sex change, she’s the retarded ginger…
Oct 24 2009
Racism flows both ways
Who are the most racist people in the world? Those trying to “advance” their race and demand “equal” whatever. I don’t give two shits about race. Three, maybe, but two, nah. I’ve never seen a black person in my life. I’ve never seen a white person in my life. Even an albino is a slight cream color usually with yellow hair. Race only matters to racists and boy have the racists turned out in droves showing their true colors to someone who broke a long held color barrier at Hampton University.
So Nikole Churchill got the homecoming queen crown, first non-black to do so at Hampton apparently. This should be a cause for celebration that a community of blacks would look beyond race and elect someone they wanted to elect right? No whammy, no whammy, no whammy; Stop! Damn. Turns out the black racists in the community had a problem. Never…
Oct 24 2009
Have 1, Need 1 swine flu vaccine
I’m not some lunatic who says vaccinations are bad. I’m just pissed off at how much publicity this fucking H1N1 shit has been given. Now Obama is declaring the flu a national emergency? Give me a fucking break already. The flu spreading around the world like a flaming ninja through a hospital was something to worry about because nobody knew what the hell we had. They didn’t know if this was airborne, highly contagious, or even how deadly it is. There was reason to be cautious, but that time has passed.
Is this swine flu outbreak a pandemic? Yes, in every sense of the term. A pandemic doesn’t mean death to the world, and it doesn’t mean everyone is going to die. It just means we’ve got something very contagious flying around the fucking world like there is no tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow for H1N1, and it’s not…
Oct 23 2009
You body is not a car; get on the sidewalk
So I’m driving home today, and it’s dusk. The street lights haven’t turned on, but in a heavily wooded neighborhood, the shadows make it seem like night anyway. The headlights are on, and I see a very cautious bike rider on the sidewalk. They’re wearing a helmet like Lord Dark Helmet from Spaceballs. It was completely massive, and quite humorous. They actually looked retarded wearing all the reflective tape, vest, white shirt, massive helmet, and stayed on the sidewalk too. This was all fun until I nearly ran the fuck over a runner that was dressed in solid black, and running in the road. Your fucking ass is not a car; get the fuck on the sidewalk where you’re supposed to be.
I’m aware there are some laws somewhere about bikes on a sidewalk, but I prefer to ride mine on a sidewalk for my own safety. I run and walk…
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