I am getting all kinds of emails asking whether gmail accounts are secure and whether China is after their information. The real issue isn’t about security, it’s about a public relations shit-storm you just made. China, you now have everybody outside your country getting pissed, and I don’t mean “oh, let them have their way in their own land” pissed, but “you’re coming on our terms now” pissed. This goes beyond the climate summit at Copenhagen where you just made a mockery of the whole situation. Currently, I see Google, VeriSign, the US Department of Defense, and a whole mess of news agencies now chomping at the bit for the next…thing. China, you just shit and fell back in it. Sure, dictate what you want to the people you govern because after being there and seeing many of the people, they’re too backwards for complete autonomy just yet. They can’t even queue properly for proper fairness of the population, and that’s desperately needed. “National queuing day” was a nice touch though; huge laugh from that one because I saw it was severely needed and apparently useless as I was getting slammed into the plate-glass doors at a McDonald’s.

Clean up this mess before I visit again, please. I don’t want to have any problems looking around the country.

I’m going on a family ski trip for a week, and we’re all departing for Dallas en route to Denver at about 7am give or take; the flight’s basically taking off at the crack of dawn. We arrive, go through security, and wait for the plane to start boarding. Nothing of yet seems to be askew, but as we board and taxi from the terminal we immediately notice something entirely amiss with the whole situation because they’re talking about iced wings. I don’t think much of it because airports have de-icing equipment so no delays right? Oh, I wish it were so. Instead of de-icing and proceeding to the runway, we roll over to the other side of the terminal and spin around and stop. I glance outside the window and the pilot open the flaps fully and we just sit there. We sit there for an hour. We officially departed on time, but are an hour late getting into the air because American Airlines is so fucking cheap that they didn’t sign a contract with the local de-icing equipment guys to de-ice their planes. Instead, we sit on the fucking tarmac letting the fucking sun thaw the ice from the wings. Oh, and you want to know how they determined when the ice was thawed enough for flight? They brought out a ladder and rubbed their hands on the wings to check the meltingness of the whole shit-mess salad.

We sat there listening to the captain, the lone stewardess, and whatever pamphlet garbage they were trying to force-feed us that morning about how the airport didn’t have any de-icing equipment. There was a problem though. Please draw your attention out the starboard windows to view the de-icing equipment de-ice the Delta flight, then the US Airways flight, then another Delta flight, then a Continental flight. The same de-icing team for each and every one of these while we watched like a starving African with a bloated stomach listening to the retelling of Holocaust survivors’ stories about when they were liberated and going to town on the stores of food. These aren’t all the same company, so we know for a fact they were contracted and not owned or operated by any individual airline. We confronted the stewardess about the “there’s no de-icing equipment here” crap and just pointed out the window. Her reply was succinct, “we just don’t have a contract with de-icing equipment here”.

But wait, there’s more!!!

When we finally touch down in Dallas, we find that we missed our connection to Denver by a mere 5 minutes. That’s right people. We missed our connection flight because we had to sit on the plane for over an hour and literally wait for the sun to melt the ice on the wings. This is the epitome of bone-headedness, cheapskatedness, ass-winkerness that I’ve ever witnessed from a company first-hand…or that I can actually remember. To make matters worse, when we went to query the terminal desk about the flight or getting put on standby for a later flight, her reply was, “oh, looks like you didn’t have a long enough layover. You should always have at least a 3 hour layover just to accommodate such delays.” Seriously? Blaming the passengers on this one while you’re being assholes and not signing a contract with a de-icing crew just so you can save a couple copper pennies…classy!

So the bitch at the gate told us, in professional terms, to go fuck ourselves and it wasn’t her problem and all flights were booked. We proceeded to the next Denver flight gate and spoke with them. “Yep, we’re booked, but we’ll put you on standby.” We sat and waited for that flight to come and go, then we went to the next flight, across the damn airport no less, spoke with the gate attendants, same as before, then went back to the gate we were at before, across the fucking airport again and get the same shit different gate story. Well, this was a previous gate, but different personnel by this time. We’re just in no man’s land and we see an out-of-uniform AA employee searching through a terminal because she too was stranded by her employer for some other reason. She managed to finagle a way to get us tickets on a flight that night and still be on standby.

As luck would have it, this flight had some no-shows so standby passengers were let aboard, but by the time they reached my family, only 3 seats were guaranteed and somehow they managed to fuck up standby too and just somehow forgot to keep floating the standby list from flight to flight and some 30 people got pissed when their names didn’t show. I was called as the last standby passenger and was standing to have my ticket scanned and walk down the gangplank, but the family shows and all seats beith taken. How lucky must you be to have your name called twice in a row for standby, only to have the person show with 5 seconds to spare and you get no flight? Yes, twice that happened. So the following flight had some insane empty seating issues and 30 passengers on standby all got on board. We finally made it to Denver some 9 hours late because American Airlines is too fucking cheap to de-ice a plane properly and instead opted to melt the ice in the sunlight. American Airlines, please accept my sincerest and warmest “fuck you”s as you try to avoid bankruptcy like all the other airlines by cutting costs on de-icing contracts saving a couple thousand instead of not bothering to repaint planes saving hundreds of thousands each.

So what about our baggage? Oh, we shipped our baggage via FedEx and had it waiting for us. We learned our lesson about airlines and baggage LONG ago, and we don’t bother with checked bags if we can manage it.

I’m damn tired of channel surfing this weekend and just seeing Tiger after Tiger after Tiger. Aren’t tigers endangered? Where the hell have all these come from? Here’s what I’d place money on. HIS WIFE IS PREGNANT AGAIN!!! Elin probably had some crazy midnight cravings like many pregnant women have, and he was heading out to pick something up like pickles and strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice-cream. It’s 2am, and most people aren’t like me and wired at all hours. He fell asleep and crashed; answers are generally simple and not always some conspiracy. That’s the embarrassing aspect of this and why he doesn’t want to talk about it.

This guy’s not Kobe Bryant or any one of the NBA players and sleeping around; he’s not that stupid. He’s got a fucking hot wife that I’d tap six ways from Sunday and I’m sure he does, and he’s very meticulous about his public image. Hugh Grant was with Elizabeth Hurley when he got stuck with a hooker. That’s because she wasn’t putting out. Elin puts out and has a couple fuck trophies as proof. He’s so meticulous about his public image, that he’s better than a politician. When he says he’s not going to talk, he’s not going to talk. Drop it already!

It’s not required by Florida law to talk to the authorities over this stuff. I wouldn’t want to talk either because most of the cops in this state are more crooked than Hephaestus’s crafts. I’ve had more than my fair share of run-ins, and I’d advise everybody to never talk to them again because they’re almost all after personal glory and “making an example of” people.

Does this have something to do with golf? No. Does this matter mean jack shit? No. Stop focusing on Tiger and start covering real news you corporate advertising idiots. Maybe people will start to care again.

So here’s what the Texas constitution now says about marriage, ahem, and I quote from the good book, a letter from Idiocracious to Jackofius:

Sec. 32.  MARRIAGE.

(a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.

(b)  This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.

That seems reasonable enough right? Marriage is a union of man and wife; ok, makes sense. Then it says the state may not create any status similar to marriage. That’s interesting, so marriage is now outlawed in the state of Texas. Way to offer your ass for a pounding guys and fall back into the shit you took. Fucking idiots. That’s the kind of shit that happens when you elect retards into office. No, wait. That might offend retards by correlating the two groups. Non-sentient apes are what they are. They punch at a keyboard and not know the meaning of the words they create. They also are the ignorant fucks that think there’s a little man in the clouds telling them what to do every day. Ignorance may be bliss, but we have to live with these fucktards.

Let me offer a suggestion. NO “MARRIAGES”, AS TERMED, RECOGNIZED BY GOVERNMENTS, ONLY UNIONS!!! This goes to my philosophy on drugs, prostitutes, and whatever else you think some other human being shouldn’t do because you have a fucking problem with it. If a guy likes sucking dick, let him suck dick. If a girl loves muff diving, let her scuba till her heart’s content. Let them be just as miserable as every other fucking soul in the world. Hell, adults are capable of being responsible for themselves so stop trying to control them. What makes you think you know what’s best for another human anyway? If some girl wants to live in a polyamorous relationship with seven dwarfs doing nothing but bukaki all day, then let her; it’s her decision.

“Marriage is a holy union.” Ok, then let it be controlled by the churches where the “holy” stuff is governed. Civil unions for whomever wants to unite together in complete misery as defined by the government and let the churches decide who actually gets “married”, and they’ll define marriage for themselves too. The people with a problem for gays marrying are those that actually have sexual desires for the same sex. Who are all the politicians screaming from the rafters that homosexuality is bad? They’re the most closed-minded assholes from the South you can get, and they’re the ones caught in all the gay sex scandals. The people who don’t have a problem don’t have those sexual desires.

I’ve also heard the argument “that’s just disgusting” and that brings me to wonder if they think all heterosexual couples only copulate via the missionary position. I’ve born witness to some seriously kinky girls that just want guys. Just the missionary position? Don’t fucking kid with me with that. There’s a term called nymphomaniac for a reason. There’s no way around it, girls get hornier than hell just like guys and thinking what they do is less disgusting than gays is just ignorant. You know? Perhaps it’s better off that Texas doesn’t allow any marriages or unions. That way they’d abide by their rules and breed their idiotic genes out of the pool to benefit us all. At any rate, they’re now all technically classified as bastards.

Only steers and queers come from Texas, and they don’t look that much like steers so that kind of narrows it down.

Turns out she shaved her head to raise awareness (whatever the fuck that means) and money for cancer research. That’s probably one of the few reasons that even the most stuck-up pricks would allow someone to get away with murder, but not her school over hair. Damn zealous Catholics and their Janus-like speech. Like most groups, you tend to find two subsets of Catholics, those who don’t give a shit, and those who want you to burn at the stake for not agreeing with them. Unfortunately in this rapage, we have to deal with the group of people who need to realize that there’s a world outside of their minds and it doesn’t revolve around them. Telling someone not to come back to school until their hair grows back makes as much sense as telling a marine to pull his dick out of a sailor’s ass while on shore leave. It’ll happen eventually, but accomplishes nothing.

I really wonder what the school would do to a cancer patient; tell them they can’t come back to school until their hair grows back after chemotherapy treatment? How about someone with alopecia universalis? They’d never have a chance in hell at attaining a degree because they’re as bald as you can get. This “rule” of theirs was probably instituted to combat skin-heads or some shit, and like most rules, is applied across the board and made entirely useless, becoming a joke on its own.

To the people in charge of the school who made the decision to ban the girl because of her hair, you’re not helping anybody. On the contrary, you’re making yourselves a laughing stock to the entire world. Go say seven Hail Marys and two-hundred-ninety-seven-thousand-four-hundred-eighty-two Our Fathers for penance and get back with us sane people to see what you’ve missed.

I don’t understand the prohibition anyway. It’s just grass, a plant, not much different than tobacco in the manufacturing process: plant, water, add sun, harvest, smoke, party. For all you jack-asses proclaiming religious reasons or some other religious basis for prohibition, then ask yourself whether god made a mistake in making the plant. If someone wants to smoke it, let them fucking smoke it. It’s not like their consumption of the plant is going to directly impact your life. Now if you put a stoner in control of a car, then you might get an indirect response from decreased response times, but what’s the fucking problem with letting people party with Towelie every once in a while?

Those people in the mountains get it. It’s not something to be concerned with at all. Hell, I’d go a step further and let them toke up where you can smoke a cigarette. They’re definitely going to be getting high in the higher altitudes nowadays, but I think they’ve long been high already. I’ve noticed a few Cheshire cats walking around town every time I’m there, and I generally party with the ones playing reggae on the slopes; good times. Even the police didn’t see this as a life-altering election because it’s not high on their list of shit to prosecute. When the cops don’t give a shit, then you know nobody gives a taint. They’ve got their act together, and I wish the rest of the country would follow their example.

It’s not like this was a close one. The measure passed 73-27% which by my mathematics background directly correlates into a huge-ass fucking landslide. I don’t care if you’re drunk, stoned, blind and have to feel the tits of the Rockies to read this in Braille, or even a midget with half a pole, that’s one hell of a fucking way to tell people to chill the fuck out already.

I think I love the blokes in the mountains because many of them share the same mentality as me. I’m a senile, psychotic, don’t you fucking tempt me with your fucking bull-shit beach bum because I’ll just sit back and smile at your fucking brilliance while they’re senile, psychotic, don’t fucking tempt them with your fucking bull-shit ski bums because they’ll just sit there with a huge smile and stab your fucking eyes out with their ski poles.

Gotta love being a transplant ski bum every once in a while; you get away with so much shit because, unlike on a beach, you’re flying down a big mountain at mach 3 with pointy objects in your hands and razor-sharp sticks on your feet in total bliss. The pillars of society are we!

I’ve heard dwarfs say the term midget is derogatory. On the contrary, it’s no different than calling someone a giant just because they’re tall, or maybe goliath if they’re big as well and not a toothpick. Stop being so damn insecure with yourself and stop trying to guilt trip people into changing terminology. People just don’t fucking care that much. I bet the problem is from the way the word sounds. The dʒ sound really fucks with you doesn’t it? It sounds “harsh” or something, and followed with the sharpness of the trailing t, it really drives home the finality of the word and that you have some insecurities requiring addressing. Have a problem with the word gadget as well? It’s the same sounds with the first phoneme adjusted.

“I’m not a midget, I’m a little person.” Not really, you’re just a short person. Midgets are little, dwarfs, no so much. The problem with using the term “little” is in the fact that it’s quite an ambiguous word and can be applied qualitatively as well as quantitatively. I’ve seen some fat fucks who were dwarfs, and trust me, they ain’t no little person. They may be short, but they ain’t little.

You know who true little people are? They’re kids, children, offspring, fuck trophies, bundles of joy, screaming banshees wanting candy. Kids grow up to be “big people” for a reason. “We’re going to have a big people conversation now; go run off in play with your friends.” Ever heard of something remotely similar to that? I bet your ass-wiper you have. That’s because little and big are directly correlated to respective sizes. A little dwarf grows into a big dwarf; a little person grows into a big person. You’re keeping yourselves on first base in the game of life, and it’s fucking annoying. You guys seem to be pouting on first base because you don’t like which team picked you. Either play ball, or go sit in the stands and watch. Stop fucking around with everyone else’s life over the terminology.

Here’s why you should have a problem with using little to describe yourself. Little is a relative term where an object is of the same dimensions, but of a lower scale. Y’all don’t qualify. Using little as apposed to a specific definition might also imply you’re dumber than normal people because you have “little brains”. That’s not the image you want to portray now is it? If it is, then you should continue labeling yourselves little because you’re just fucking stupid. Y’all are just shooting yourselves in the feet on this shit, seriously. Stop acting like children… unless that’s how you want to be portrayed.

Every single demographic is joked about by others, and even within. That’s life, and that’s how people operate. Life and people are politically incorrect, and trying to change it won’t work. You know who provided me with the best and most politically incorrect jokes about Mormons? My Mormon friend in high school, that’s who. You know who provides the best cancer jokes? Cancer patients. I joke about having proportionately short legs, long arms and torso, and brain damage; it’s called a coping mechanism. You can’t change the world, and this battle isn’t worth fighting over. My hat’s off to Hervé Villechaize for not putting up with this bullshit. He’s the kind of person you should look up to. I’m not going to stoop to your level and call you little so grow the fuck up already.

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Why do people continuously just never…

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Shut the fuck up already, ok? I’m sick and tired of hearing your…

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Fucking stop. I’m not listening… la la la la…

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Wait, I’m sorry. Did you say something? I was distracted for a damn moment.

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

…

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Fuck it. I’m trying to pose a proper rant here Nina. What the fuck do you want?

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Why won’t you just shut up? I’m not paying attention anyway.

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

You say something about a leotard? I’m damn sure you said something about a leotard. There’s nothing else that would have snapped my senses back into reality you fat fuck. I swear that if you say that one more time, I’m cramming a stick of butter up your nose.

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”

Oh for Pete’s sake already…

“Corporate accounts payable, Nina…” ::BANG::

Ok, where were we? I really hate it when people just don’t know when to shut the hell up. You’re standing there, eyes glazed over not much unlike a deer in headlights, maybe nodding, maybe not. I, for one, subscribe to the “look directly into the pupil of a single eye, unflinching” method. I’ve found that to somehow be a wonderful way to shut them up because it’s “creepy”.

Once the conversation has turned lopsided and can be considered a monologue, I’ve checked out. My body is there, well, most of the time. I have walked out of the room on someone yakking away without them noticing my absence before. My mind is usually long gone, not into some happy place where I’m thinking happy thoughts, but to the great void. I’m there, and my mind says, “fuck this, I’m going to float around in the abyss until it’s over”.

I guess it doesn’t help that for the longest time I thought I suffered from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and couldn’t focus on such conversations. I later believed this to be a misdiagnosis, and ADOLAK (Attention Deficit, Oh Look, A Kitty) became a more fitting label. Only after the points where I’d quickly snap back into reality based on some keyword uttered, like a damn dog wanting a treat, did I realize it’s actually ADS (Attention Deficit SQUIRREL!).

It’s an endless cycle of talk, zone, snap, talk, zone, snap, rinse, lather, repeat. Why must people talk so damn much? When I snap back to reality looking for the treat, I’m immediately slapped with the jib-jab of yak-yak. Because they’re running red on high octane, they expect me to actually care what words fall from their lips? Those words stop feet in front of me, long before they grace the lobes of my ears. Do they think someone’s always listening? Do I look like I’m actually paying attention when I’ve got a cheerleader bent over the couch ribbed for my pleasure? NO! Just shut the fuck up already, ok? And don’t get me started on TPS reports either!

“It gives us more daylight in the day.”

Uh, no it doesn’t. I don’t remember the sun or earth to follow man’s mandates. Just wake the fuck up sooner if you want so much daylight.

“It saves energy by allowing lights to be turned off longer.”

Wrong again. It burns up so much energy and man hours changing all the fucking clocks and scheduling plans that its net value is negative. It’s a waste of time (yes, I made that damn pun on this topic) to change time. Most offices keep the lights turned on all the damn time anyway. They keep the lights on during the day for employees to properly see, and at night as a “theft protection measure” although the latter just makes it a more entertaining target to hit. What about the souls that didn’t get the memo about the changed time and go about their lives, shall they be flogged?

“What about all the finding the US Department of Transportation found beneficial?”

I believe the National Bureau of Standards shot down every finding the US DOT had that shined a good light on changing time. I’d trust statisticians for data over politicians any day.

“Something about schools and school buses”

It changes every time I hear it, but there’s always something about schools and buses. All I can say is change the damn hours of the school and let the time just be. You’re not the center of the fucking world, and time doesn’t revolve around your schedule. Let time just be, and adjust your schedule to it damn it. Fucking dipshits trying to bend a steel girder into a dainty origami crane annoy me to no end.

If everyone wants to keep changing time, just change the time for good and let it be done with. China has a single time zone based on Beijing time, and that pisses off the people way west of the city, but it doesn’t change. We’re a paranoid schizophrenic culture that doesn’t know when something is. White rabbit are we!

Riddle me this: if I hire a hooker that charges hourly during a DST switch, am I charged an extra hour in the spring and get a free service hour in the fall?

I love walking around the streets looking at girls and imagining what they’d wear to a costume party. Would she be the kind of girl who just wears lingerie without any thought in the costume, or would she dress like the bitch slut she really is and theme up the sexiness? It all comes to fruition when the parties roll around, and damn have there been some good ones in the past.

Mardi Gras comes close to the craziness, but that’s just a celebration of craziness and fun. Halloween, on the other foot, presents itself as a time to let the girl ride you, not because you’re fucking wasted off your ass and can’t perform, but because the girls are usually so fucking horny they want the power trip.

I’ve heard so many people bitch and complain about all the girls dressing like sluts, and how there’s never any good costume out there for a girl. To them, I say, “eat a dick, please”. The best costumes aren’t bought, nor are they expensive. The best costumes are the thoughtful ones, the ones that make you laugh, the ones people remember. As for the criticisms towards girls always being slutty for costume parties, the gripes are usually poised by whales whom are so uncomfortable with their own self-image that they demand everyone else be as miserable as they are. Fuck you and that whale you… uhh… road in on? Wait, that joke didn’t come out quite as planned.

Who gives a shit about kids running around asking for candy? They’ll get plenty of candy from me if I’m around, but the real fun is growing up and having the costumed delights running around you. I just fucking love Halloween for all the fucked up stuff you’re allowed and even expected to do and say. This ain’t no mistletoe you kiss under, it’s a damn skull dripping blood and bats flying out of the eyes that you fuck the sexy teacher under. Woo-hoo!