I’ve long written off the station as a used syringe laced with hepatitis and HIV since that’s all they seem to literally show anymore. I guess the controllers gave up making and showing videos of drugged out rock stars and just started showing drugged out kids instead. It would be cheaper to ask a kid to be on tv instead of paying for a celebrity.

What’s the point in having the video music awards when you don’t show any fucking videos anymore? Who the fuck really votes? The only time I’ve ever noticed any music being on the channel anymore is during the ass-crack hours of the morn when I’m working against infomercials and am pounding my head against an anvil for the grace of comfort. Nobody’s awake at those hours. Seriously, I’ve been awake around the whole damn clock, and I can safely say that at no time was that time slot even decently watched.

They used to premiere videos on the shows. They’d show the most popular videos in full, and then they started cutting down the video time showing. Now they’re trying to cover their herpes breakouts by using ointment to quell the spread throughout the schedule. It’s quarantined to the hell hours of never, and they can’t seem to eradicate the virus that’s plaguing them. Like many other entities, they can’t change their roots; they’ll keep growing in dark.

After a long, thoughtful shit, I realized that MTV still does play a lot of music. They play more mainstream music than a cheap strip joint, but just bastardized and in the background. Roll one up for the ones playing annoying loops and sound clips from “popular” music as menstrual pads soaking up all the shit shown on the station. It’s Man-bear-pig TV after all.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…

IF YOU CALL NOW, I’LL OFFER YOU A STEEL FRYING PAN ACROSS THE HEAD. I’LL EVEN THROW IN A WAFFLE IRON TO CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR DICK TO GET THOSE HIGHLY COVETED PATTERNS THAT ALL THE LADIES LOVE. IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP, I’LL THROW YOU DOWN AND RAPE YOU; I HATE BEING THE NICE GUY. IF YOU DO SHUT UP, I’LL SHOVE THIS HERCULES HOOK IN YOUR EYE. IF YOU DON’T STOP MASTURBATING, I’LL SWITCH OUT YOUR LOTION WITH MIGHTY PUTTY. IF YOU DON’T STRAIGHTEN UP, I’LL SELL YOUR BITCH ASS TO JUPITER JACK SO HE COULD GO ALL JUPITER JACK ON YOUR ASS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HE WAS SAYING, BUT THE NOISE WASN’T COMFORTING. IT’S LIKE HAVING SOMEONE SLAP YOU IN THE FACE WITH A TROUT TO KEEP YOU AWAKE AT THE WHEEL. NO, THAT’S NOT IT. MORE LIKE TRYING TO SIT ON GLASS TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION ALERT, AND HAVING A FRAT FRIEND WALK BY AND DROP A 400LB WHALE OF A GIRL IN YOUR LAP AS A JOKE. NO, STILL NOT GETTING THE EMOTION ACROSS. BEING STUCK IN PRISON WHEN A GROUP OF SISTERS CALLING YOU ANDY START TO MOVE IN ON YOU, AND I’D LIKE TO SAY YOU PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT AND THE SISTERS LET YOU BE, BUT PRISON AIN’T NO FAIRY TALE WORLD.

THIS IS MAKING ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE, PERHAPS 3.9 CENTS I’D WAGER, AS A CHIHUAHUA TURNING TRICKS IN KENNELS FOR THE PIT BULLS FOR A LITTLE KIBBLE. I’M SO DAMN GLAD THE INFOMERCIALS AND SUCH NOW HAVE A MORE SOOTHING VOICE ATTACHED TO THEM. I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT IN PARTICULAR WHERE I WAS TRYING TO FIND ANYTHING ON, AND NOT A SINGLE STATION HAD ANYTHING ON AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING. I COUNTED 29 OF THE 70 DIFFERENT CHANNELS DRINKING THE MAYS KOOL-AIDE AT A SINGLE POINT IN TIME. I NEARLY LOST IT TOSSING MYSELF OUT THE WINDOW INSTEAD OF MY TV. HOW THE HELL DID SUCH A GUY PUT UP WITH YELLING SO FUCKING MUCH? I HAVE A TOUGH TIME DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT, AND HAVE GONE DAYS WITHOUT SO MUCH AS MUTTERING TO MYSELF. WHO THE HELL THOUGHT IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD IDEA FOR A GUY TO YELL AT YOUR FACE LIKE A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC TO SELL A PRODUCT. APPARENTLY I WASN’T ALONE; LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WAS FINALLY ABLE TO MUTE THE GUY AFTER ALL.

When did educational material become looked down upon? What bitch in a skirt decided to avoid math and science to push a housewife channel under the guise of TLC? Girls like interesting things too. It’s asshats like those in charge of this TLC station pushing bullshit…shit. Since TLC obviously has had a sex change, she’s the retarded ginger step-sister of big brother Discovery. Hell, even the cousin Science Channel has the balls to show what its name says. It’s not like educational or science material isn’t popular. Otherwise, shows like Mythbusters, How It’s Made, and any one of the construction shows like American Chopper would never have taken off. Learn me something damn it! Your fucking name has “learning” in the name, so show me something new!

The channel now seems to be a used tampon; no more purpose than to soak up the misfortunes of whomever screwed up so badly years back. There’s almost no reason to turn on the channel unless you like child exploitation from Jon & Kate Plus 8, or as it’ll be known when the new season starts, Jon Plus 4, Kate Plus 4.

I just flipped on the station to see what shit’s coming down the pipeline now. The Little Couple, very clever how you incorporate the TLC into that show’s title. I’m starting to wonder if that’s exactly how you view yourselves. You could be doing so much, yet you accept so little. You’re no midget; you’re no dwarf. You’re a fucking idiot lady who actually agreed to have her body sawed in half without realizing there’s usually a trick involved.

Let’s try to derive a new name for this catastrophe. I propose The Loving Cocksuckers because all they seem to be doing is sucking off the audience with no point other than to try and collect money. Why else would you violate child labor laws and show nothing but a group of kids growing up? Someone really is demented at the top. They also appear to enjoy insinuating that they “love” the audience, or at least that’s the uncomfortable feeling I get from watching their promos. I’m glad to say that I don’t have one of those uncles who are overly “loveable”, but I’d imagine it would be as uncomfortable as watching the shit on TLC nowadays.

If you want to keep going down the lovey-dovey road, fine. You have that option. Just completely remove your name so people won’t keep getting confused or erroneously hopeful you’ll put something worthwhile on. If I ever want to be hamstrung about learning and getting something “fuzzy” instead, I just might as well go down to the car mechanics’ shop, drop my pants, bend over, and yell, “Fill’er up!”

Excuse me while I pick my scruffy-assed chin off the damn floor with a forklift. I seriously don’t know what to think about this. Paramount, Nick’s parent company, is in the movie business and wants to turn out more turtles movies. After the disaster that was TMNT, I’m hoping they don’t keep going down that fucking track. The train went all fugitive long ago and has been rusting away in a pit of despair somewhere.

So what do they plan on doing with the franchise, that they’ve told us that is: a series and a movie. Ok, sounds sane; let’s check who’s working on it. The guys behind The Madagascar Penguins and Kung-Fu Panda are doing the series? Hot damn! Wait, they didn’t work on the movies, just the series based on the movies? Fuck, and here I had my hopes up. How about the movie? Oh, the guys behind 10,000 BC and TMNT…well…shit.

Nick, how about you try something actually worth doing and taking the turtles really back to their roots where it was violent action with a lot of emotion, and not some stupid-ass slapstick joke of a product. They sliced and diced robot foot soldiers in the original series, but did you know they actually killed people in the original comic? I doubt you’ll have the cojones to really go after the roots, so just make sure there’s enough violence. They are the teenage mutant NINJA turtles after all; last I checked, ninjas actually fought and assassinated people.

Take the series, and dump it on the production studio that did Avatar. That would be amazing to see. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t you fucking dare fuck this up! You have a chance to resurrect one of the best franchises in the history of franchises at the cost of $60 million. That’s one huge investment and whatever you plan on doing, you’re going to finally solve my age-old problem with where your company, channels, and whatever else you touch is going. You’re either going dive bomb the company into the grassy knoll with cowboy hat riding a bomb, or you’re going to be sailing away in the clouds like Aang.

I wrote off the franchise years ago as a casualty of the marketing greed that exists in the production studios as they made shitty product after shitty product. They kept trying to force their crap down everyone’s throats and it was met with harsh criticism. Anybody remember Venus de Milo? Exactly! Fuck you, Nickelodeon, for confusing the shit out of me with this deal.

I don’t know if it’s more painful to watch a sitcom and be told when to laugh, or just not find a joke remotely funny and hear the cues to laugh. This isn’t 1984, and the audience isn’t that fucking stupid. We get the jokes, and your jokes aren’t funny. Learn to write something actually funny and have it said in front of an audience; there’s your laugh track.

I don’t know who first thought of a laugh track. Whoever they were, I hope their corpse has been desecrated…once for each canned laugh. My best guess is some kind of nostalgia from the days of radio and early broadcast where most shows were “taped in front of a live studio audience”. Ok, most shows easily predate that line, but the shows were performed live for people. The jokes were funny and the people laughed, not so much anymore.

Today, the shows aren’t broadcast live, and they’ll film take after take after fucking take. I’m not harping on dramas that need to get the emotions perfect. I’m harping on the comedies that just need to deliver a line and be done. Once the shows started getting recorded on closed sets, the executives wanted the feel of a live audience so they would just reuse the same damn crowd laugh over and over whenever they thought. This has gone too fucking far.

Perusing around the stations, I’ve found one kind of show that still has an audience, and that’s a talk-show. The comedies don’t seem to have audiences anymore, so they just phone the bitch in from a boat. You look at the lesser networks like the sitcoms of Disney, and you see poor writing, even poorer acting, and the same damn laugh track. When is this nonsense going to fucking stop? Please have it before I shit a brick, that’s all I’m asking.

If the show’s live, then the actors must play off the audience for timing purposes, and it’s very noticeable. When it’s recorded, the laughing is cut off abruptly. It’s very easy to figure out what’s going on, and this is why I don’t watch sitcoms anymore. Comedians deliver jokes and can time it perfectly on the first go-round. Actors fuck up take after take and need a helping hand. The executives don’t want their precious actors to look bad in the eyes of the public, so they splice together the best guesses they can muster, slap the laugh track on and call it a masterpiece. This is without an audience to save face for their comedy challenged blunders on camera. I’ve seen dog shit more graceful.

If you want to see the real effect of a laugh track, you need not look any further than M.A.S.H. The show’s creator had a real big problem with laugh tracks and didn’t want them used at all on the show. The executives forced him into it, and he was able to negotiate a deal; no laugh tracks in the operating tent. Where are all the memorable shots from the show? Why the operating tent of course! Why do people remember these shots? Why because they had to think about what was happening of course! The shots were memorable and funny in a bit of a dark way because there was no laugh track. A laugh track would have spoiled the point of the jokes and completely undermine the entire concept of the show. If you ever watch the cuts of the show that were aired outside the states, then you would be privy to one of the best shows sans any sound track. That’s right everybody, M.A.S.H. was broadcast without a laugh track outside of the states, and it’s much better because of it.

So executives, don’t treat your audience like a bunch of idiots. Most are bored and will watch anything on television, but let them enjoy what they see. Don’t try to tell them, “Hey fucker, there was a joke said here. Laugh damn you.” It’s just not polite and ruins your shows. Why do you think reality television took off in the first place? The audience got tired of being force-fed crap they didn’t like. Learn to fucking write and leave the jokes to the audience. Don’t tell us what to do, no matter how big your fucking ego is. It still doesn’t make up for the small dicks you’ve got. And female executives, you don’t have dicks, so strut that stuff and have fun with your trophy girlfriends. Your male coworkers don’t think much of you anyway.

What’s the real news on this story? Anyone care to wager a guess or six? It’s that some asshat tried to blackmail Letterman because he knew about the relationships. Blackmail, extortion, whatever you care to call it it’s still a first-rate crime. This is a clear example of the risk celebrities put themselves in just to do a job. In Letterman’s case, he’s a very low-profile person, so it makes it even harsher that someone would pull such a stunt on him. Dave manned up, told the world what happened, and it should have died right there, but no. Oh, lordy lordy, the sky is falling; Letterman had sex… with a woman!

Ok, more than one woman it turns out, but who gives a shit? And to claim they’re affairs that he’s having is ridiculous. If by that logic, he committed affairs, then every single person on the face of the earth who went on a date committed an affair. Dave wasn’t married, and therefore couldn’t have committed an affair. It’s because of idiotic blowhards like those perpetuating “affairs” just to grab headlines that chaps my ass like nobody’s business.

I turned on the news, saw Letterman this, and Letterman that. It’s been a while since the story broke, and I’m still seeing it on places. Is there really nothing else to cover? How about the World Cup Qualifiers like the rest of the world? The guy’s under enough heat to remove his coat at every commercial to cool off; enough with putting an additional spotlight on him already. Damn!

I grew up in the early days of Nickelodeon, before Nick at Nite, before Nick Jr, before whatever other stations or blocks they’ve come out with since. I saw the introduction of Nick at Nite, and the introduction of Nick Jr as additional blocks on the same channel as Nick. I’d watch Nick Jr in the morning, Nickelodeon during the day, then Nick at Nite, well, at night to catch some classics. These are far cries from what’s on television today. Place any block side-by-side with today’s counterpart and they wouldn’t look related; an Asian next to a ginger would be of a closer relation. This was also the time you’d see Mr. Wizard’s World and You Can’t Do That on Television on Nickelodeon. Nick Jr wasn’t filled with pre-school programming, just some cartoons that didn’t have much violence like David the Gnome and Noozles. If you grew up during that time, you know damn well what David the Gnome is, and everybody wanted their own pet Swift to ride around on.

“Looney Tunes, you’ll find them all on Nick. Lots of stuff, enough to make you sick. Psycho, for when your mind goes, for when you’ve had enough of doing grown-up stuff. So when you’re moody, your parents make you looney, positively looney, don’t wait for a full-moonie. Tune to Nick… looney… looney… looney… loo-ney… tunes… tune to Nick.”

Yes, Looney Tunes were once broadcast on Nickelodeon like there was no tomorrow. I remember that song twenty years later for a reason. Nickelodeon pushed the boundary on what should be done on television for kids. It’s set to classical music, something you’ll never hear today with all the stations pushing their new “child star” like it’s the new drug to make you cool. That magic has disappeared from the network. You had game shows like Double Dare and Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS. Thinking about it, the only game show I saw on the station for years was some show featuring Nickelodeon “stars” guessing the talent of some random kid. Now it’s just trivia with no competition.

If they’ve kind of returned to their roots, why do I have a gripe? It’s simple. What you see on television today is a castrated version of that which once was. Nickelodeon has been delivering great animated works since the very first Nicktoons aired with Doug, Rugrats, and Ren and Stimpy. Their latest creations include two of the best American cartoons to date: SpongeBob SquarePants and Avatar: The Last Airbender. What they’ve been missing this entire time is substance on live-action stuff. They produce laugh track filled sitcoms to promote a product, the prostituting of “child stars” instead of going for quality. Bring back physicality in the game shows. Show kids how to be active and not just sit there lobotomized into agreement. T’hell with all the parents being overly protective of their kids. Show them that it’s fine for kids to play outside and get dirty.

Let’s review what a cartoon is. A cartoon is a drawing, still or animated. It’s that simple really. Cartoon doesn’t mean having a trivia show for kids on a roller coaster. It’s not having a live-action series based on a book. I’ve even seen live-action movies on the station, and that’s in addition to shoe-ins like Who Framed Rodger Rabbit and Looney Tunes Back in Action that actually incorporate animated works. I bet you people in charge of Cartoon Network are really pissed at your name, hence why you’re pushing for the “CN” branding, right? Dicks.

I remember when the network first launched. There was a huge marketing campaign here locally and all the kids tuned in to watch the station. We loved it because it was a bunch of people screwing up left and right trying to show cartoons to everybody, not just kids. The station wasn’t solely focused on kids. It was focused towards everyone who liked cartoons, and it was very apparent right from the start. This wasn’t Fox Kids where they forced it to a kids market. Adults like cartoons too; that’s something you should take to heart.

People did get tired of showing nothing but the old Warner Bros shows, so the wise hens at the old Cartoon Network decided to try and create a new show using old footage. Tada, Space Ghost Coast to Coast is born and becomes an instant success. These guys eventually broke away into Adult Swim, and got neutered in their own right, but that’s another issue. The new ratings from the show got money, money to make new shows. They held a contest via the World Premiere Toons, What a Cartoon! Show, or whatever they’re naming it these days. This spawned The Powerpuff Girls, Dexter’s Laboratory, Johnny Bravo, and a whole mess of others. Keep this going.

What really saddens me is what’s happening with the shows that are created for Cartoon Network. They run until they’re finished, and they’re kicked to the curb and being replaced by live-action shit until the next show comes out. Here’s a little advice guys; show your old works in place of the live-action crap. You don’t have to pay any more for production, just rerun it. You’re sitting on a huge magazine of gems. Let them loose. Let them breath. Let us see them every once in a while.

I know you created Boomerang to show the stuff Cartoon Network was originally airing, but don’t treat your original shows like rejects destined for the grave. Show them off, mix and match. Create a new block, since y’all just love doing that, Miguzi and Toonami anyone? Create that new block and just throw random episodes of random shows at people. It’s not like you’re making any real effort at real story-bound series, so their episodic nature works wonders in this field. Whatever you do, just get the live-action shit off the channel that’s called Cartoon Network. Leave that shit to the other networks.