What the hell does the ‘M’ in MTV even stand for anymore? The only time I ever fly by the channel is when I’m trying to cross the road and it’s nothing but reality shows. I have no idea how this network, which was originally designed to show nothing but music videos, transformed into its current state of turmoil. It’s like looking at a damn golden retriever and wondering how the fuck it birthed a three-toed sloth. I wonder just how many of MTV’s current target demographic actually know that MTV once played music; it was called music-fucking-television for a reason after all. I’ve long written off the station as a used syringe laced with hepatitis and HIV since that’s all they seem to literally show anymore. I guess the controllers gave up making and showing videos of drugged out rock stars and just started showing drugged out kids instead….
Oct 30 2009
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!
SO I KNOW IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THE BASTARD DIED, BUT NOBODY TRULY UNDERSTANDS THE IMPACT HE HAD IN MY LIFE. I’M THAT GUY WHO WORKS LATE INTO THE NIGHT, AND BECAUSE I HAVE TINNITUS I NEED NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND TO KEEP SANE. BILLY MAYS WAS THE ONLY PERSON ON TV AT THOSE HOURS TO HELP JUST BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, AND MADE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE. WHO THE HELL CRANKS THEIR VOICE TO 11 TO SELL SOMETHING? SHOULDN’T HE HAD TRIED BEING CALMER TO BRING THE CUSTOMERS CLOSER INSTEAD? BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE… IF YOU CALL NOW, I’LL OFFER YOU A STEEL FRYING PAN ACROSS THE HEAD. I’LL EVEN THROW IN A WAFFLE IRON TO CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR DICK TO GET THOSE HIGHLY COVETED PATTERNS THAT ALL THE LADIES LOVE. IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP, I’LL THROW YOU DOWN AND RAPE YOU; I HATE…
Oct 25 2009
TLC: The Learning Channel, not Tender Loving Care
What ever happened to The Learning Channel? I’m not talking about that station that’s masquerading under the acronyms TLC. I’m talking about the namesake. What ever happened to the station that would actually show something interesting to fucking watch? What ever happened to the station that was very honest about what it wanted to do, teach in an entertaining fashion? Stop acting like you’re The Learning Channel already, and go ahead and change your fucking name to The Lifetime Channel or The Little Children because that’s all you seem to be showing anyway. When did educational material become looked down upon? What bitch in a skirt decided to avoid math and science to push a housewife channel under the guise of TLC? Girls like interesting things too. It’s asshats like those in charge of this TLC station pushing bullshit…shit. Since TLC obviously has had a sex change, she’s the retarded…
Oct 22 2009
The turtles coming out of their shell on… Nickelodeon? Huh‽
You ever have that feeling of being slapped in the face with a huge ass trout? I mean, really being hit hard to the point where you have to pick the scales off individually. I just had that happen when I heard Nickelodeon purchased the world-wide rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. What the hell are the guys at Nick doing? I don’t know whether to think they’ll treat the property well, or treat it like Doug and view it as an investment to offload later. Isn’t this confusion exactly what I ranted about just a few days ago? Excuse me while I pick my scruffy-assed chin off the damn floor with a forklift. I seriously don’t know what to think about this. Paramount, Nick’s parent company, is in the movie business and wants to turn out more turtles movies. After the disaster that was TMNT, I’m hoping…
Oct 18 2009
Make the laughter stop!
So what’s worse, hearing a bad joke or hearing fake laughter at the bad joke? By fake laughter, I’m not talking about the sarcastic laughter people do, like me, to make the teller of the joke feel like an idiot. We’re asses, and I’m quite content at being that. I’m talking about canned laughs; the shit that’s all over American sitcoms on television. I don’t know if it’s more painful to watch a sitcom and be told when to laugh, or just not find a joke remotely funny and hear the cues to laugh. This isn’t 1984, and the audience isn’t that fucking stupid. We get the jokes, and your jokes aren’t funny. Learn to write something actually funny and have it said in front of an audience; there’s your laugh track. I don’t know who first thought of a laugh track. Whoever they were, I hope their corpse has…
Oct 16 2009
Letterman had sex‽ Gasp!
What someone does in the privacy of their home or on their own time is their own damn business. I’m seeing all over the magazines and news channels about David Letterman having affairs with all sorts of women who used to work for him. Healthy relationships can arise from boss and subordinate relationships, so chill the fuck off already. David Letterman had sex, big whoop, wanna fight about it? What’s the real news on this story? Anyone care to wager a guess or six? It’s that some asshat tried to blackmail Letterman because he knew about the relationships. Blackmail, extortion, whatever you care to call it it’s still a first-rate crime. This is a clear example of the risk celebrities put themselves in just to do a job. In Letterman’s case, he’s a very low-profile person, so it makes it even harsher that someone would pull such a stunt on…
Oct 16 2009
Nick can’t make up their mind… or can they?
I was going to go on a huge rant about how Nickelodeon went to crap over the years, but after a little searching of their schedule, they’re back to where they originally were…kind of. Not as bad as some networks, but not… ok, they’re nowhere near as bad as most television stations. I’ve had my eye on Nickelodeon for years in disgust at how they completely castrated their image, and they seem to have been doing damage control lately in a feeble attempt at resurrecting the classic Nick they once were. Valiant effort guys, but I think you shot yourself a little higher than the foot to really do away with the bad. I grew up in the early days of Nickelodeon, before Nick at Nite, before Nick Jr, before whatever other stations or blocks they’ve come out with since. I saw the introduction of Nick at Nite, and the…
Oct 15 2009
I don’t want actors in my cartoons
Cartoon Network. I want you guys at scheduling to get a big, barky tree branch and wrap it with barbed wire and slowly wipe your own asses with it. What the fuck are you guys doing with the network? You originally set out to be the Nickelodeon of the 1980s and early 90s when they went south. Now you guys have turned into the bad Nick while they got better. You guys have “Cartoon” in your fucking title. What the fuck is this “CN Real” shit I’m seeing? Cartoon… not Nick; cartoon damn it! Let’s review what a cartoon is. A cartoon is a drawing, still or animated. It’s that simple really. Cartoon doesn’t mean having a trivia show for kids on a roller coaster. It’s not having a live-action series based on a book. I’ve even seen live-action movies on the station, and that’s in addition to shoe-ins like…