I’m damn tired of channel surfing this weekend and just seeing Tiger after Tiger after Tiger. Aren’t tigers endangered? Where the hell have all these come from? Here’s what I’d place money on. HIS WIFE IS PREGNANT AGAIN!!! Elin probably had some crazy midnight cravings like many pregnant women have, and he was heading out to pick something up like pickles and strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice-cream. It’s 2am, and most people aren’t like me and wired at all hours. He fell asleep and crashed; answers are generally simple and not always some conspiracy. That’s the embarrassing aspect of this and why he doesn’t want to talk about it.

This guy’s not Kobe Bryant or any one of the NBA players and sleeping around; he’s not that stupid. He’s got a fucking hot wife that I’d tap six ways from Sunday and I’m sure he does, and he’s very meticulous about his public image. Hugh Grant was with Elizabeth Hurley when he got stuck with a hooker. That’s because she wasn’t putting out. Elin puts out and has a couple fuck trophies as proof. He’s so meticulous about his public image, that he’s better than a politician. When he says he’s not going to talk, he’s not going to talk. Drop it already!

It’s not required by Florida law to talk to the authorities over this stuff. I wouldn’t want to talk either because most of the cops in this state are more crooked than Hephaestus’s crafts. I’ve had more than my fair share of run-ins, and I’d advise everybody to never talk to them again because they’re almost all after personal glory and “making an example of” people.

Does this have something to do with golf? No. Does this matter mean jack shit? No. Stop focusing on Tiger and start covering real news you corporate advertising idiots. Maybe people will start to care again.

When did having pant cuffs dragging on the ground become a style that everybody followed? If I’m not mistaken, Pedro Martinez has holes put in the back of his pant cuffs so his spikes can go through. What the fuck kind of functionality does this serve?

When I played, there was a fad where pants were supposed to be super tight and full-length. I wasn’t going to a fucking Queen concert, I was playing baseball. I wanted baggy knickerbockers that didn’t reach beyond the knee, and socks that came up to meet; baggy for comfort, and short for functionality. This is the classic baseball look, and wearing a specific uniform for a sport should have a specific feeling to it. When playing American football, I wear pads. When playing association football, aka soccer, I wear cleats and shin-guards. When playing basketball, I wear loose shorts to allow for free movement. When I’m playing baseball, I want my god damn knickerbockers.

I hold no favorable opinion on stirrups as part of the uniform, as I found them annoying when they’d slide past the heel and just be a dangling sock flapping in the breeze like I’m on a nude beach or something. The pants in baseball should reach the same location as with football pants. They’ve got socks that go up that high, so it’s not a problem of finding socks.

The tight pants my teammates used to wear have the same purpose as my knickerbockers. For starters, it prevents the ump from getting confused in the fabric on close feet-first slides. I’d always steal bases and stretch my hits. I’d constantly hook slide and dive into bags. I wore long baggy pants once and the apposing player stepped on the pant preventing my foot from reaching base while he received the ball, so I was out. With knickerbockers, this is never a problem because with a hook slide, your lower leg is always free from such steps. Don’t think the bastards playing the middle don’t do shit like that; I sure did, we all knowingly did shit like that when I played. That’s part of the game, and the joy.

I see the fucking bastards on television not trying to beat throws out. Not trying to squeak out that win. Not trying to do a damn thing other than look pretty. They wear the long baggy pants below their cleats because they don’t get into dicey situations, because they don’t try, because they want to look pretty for the camera. Fuck’em. May they die of gonorrhea and rise in hell (laces out).

You see most of the players in the box resting their bat against their cup, not out of convenience, but because they’re accustomed to it. Behind that cup is the giant pussy they regularly cram that bat in. There’s no dignity anymore, and it’s all about “me, me, me” or “I, I, I”. The only player that can possibly win by themself is the pitcher, but I know of no professional pitcher to strike out 27 (24 if they’re home) batters in a game.

I don’t know if I’ve ever witnessed someone as openly bigoted as he is and gets away with it. Ok, Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly perhaps, but they’re all on the same page. On the flip-side you’ve got Bill Maher and… who’s that greedy fat fuck that has issues with guns again? Oh yeah, Michael Moore. Each of these people is so far outside the loop that they’d butter their asses and eat shit on their toast.

This isn’t just a “celebrity” buying a team as with so many did with the Miami Dolphins. This isn’t just another investment as was the case for Jerry Jones on the Dallas Cowboys or Stuart Sternberg on the Tampa Bay Rays. This isn’t somebody’s passion like George Steinbrenner on the Yankees. This isn’t a family business like the Glazers on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Manchester United. This is possibly a potential demolition of the entire Rams franchise and a serious chunk of the NFL too. Look at how polarizing Mark Cuban is as the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, and he’s not in the political field and that’s basketball.

The American landscape has two topics that are effectively taboo to speak about because there are so many differing viewpoints: politics and religion. I sometimes dread having certain family members come visit because it always, and I do mean always, turns into a ideologically political debate at some point. My views have always been the same since I was a kid, but I see the landscape shift around me and it’s hard to find someone with my views. My choices annoy some of my family because of certain labels applied to them, and I just like to remove myself from the room, but alas, they always ask, “What do you think?” Mix this sentiment in with the most passionate sport in the country, and you’re bound to have some seriously troubling times for the franchise.

So what’s the worst that can happen? In short, you’d have contractually obligated players sitting out over issues with the ownership. This has happened before, and it will happen many more times. If an owner is apparently screwing a player out of playing time or money, or whatever else you can think of, then the tension increases. In something like professional football, you have massive egos on the players. These egos don’t like other big egos most of the time. If you have a white racist apply pressure on a black player, even indirectly, you’re going to have a disgruntled employee who won’t work at maximum efficiency. You might even get a revolt of some kind.

Owners in the NFL, don’t fuck yourselves over by allowing Rush Limbaugh to take control of the St Louis Rams. You’d be shooting yourselves in the ass in the long run with all the stupid that falls from his mouth on his syndicated radio show. After a game he dislikes, and he’d have a personal stake in it if owned, he’d openly criticize the living crap out of you guys and gladly pay the fine applied. Don’t let it get to that. Keep politics off the playing field.

The issues run deeper than just confidence in their skills. You get overly arrogant asses playing team sports like football and soccer. You get the prima donnas of baseball, and the stuck-up holier than though tennis players. It’s rare that you find an elite athlete that’s honestly humble, but it’s even rarer to find a triathlete that’s not a fucking dipshit in general. It may stem from them trying to be well-rounded and compete in three tough disciplines, but in all honesty, I think it’s because they “think” they’re so well-rounded that inflates their egos so much.

They stare at themselves in the mirror all day, trying to sculpt their body into the perfect Venus or David. The sad thing is it only matters to them. Most have a huge self-image issue, but blame everyone else for their problems. If they have a little extra fat around the mid-section that they want to get rid of, everybody around them is morbidly obese until they fix their own problem. This, my friends, is called projection, and it’s screwier than Bugs Bunny in drag when you witness it.

Sure, they can run, bike, or swim for hours, and I don’t give a shit. I’m bigger, I’m faster, I’m stronger, and if we’re ever being chased by a group of rabid pit-bulls, I’m leaving their ass behind me. I’ll also be the first to kick them under a bus for use as a parking brake. All they ever want to do is talk about how fast they run a mile, or how many miles they ran the other day. I just look at them in disgust and wish they’d go deep-throat a donkey. The donkey would be most likely provide a donkey-punch just out of sheer boredom.

I don’t care if you’ve got washboard abs, I’ve got a machine to do my laundry. I don’t care how many people you meet running. I don’t care how many of them you’ve fucked and for how little time each. The lower the time compounded with the quantity means you’re a bad lay. I applaud the male triathletes who have the stamina to last forever, but can’t get a girl off. It makes me appear all that much better on the rebound. I applaud the female triathletes for fucking up their reproductive cycles by being too damn skinny and removing themselves from the gene pool. On second thought, keep doing what you’re doing. You assholes are making the world a much better place for the rest of us after all.

I’m in the same boat as many of the critics. I hated the way the throwback uniform socks looked, but not because of the color scheme or that they were vertical. I hated the look because they were striped, regardless of direction. I look at football uniforms in the same light as baseball, and anything below the knee being multi-colored is just annoying.

Vertical stripes create a problem of appearance. Either you try to keep them looking perfectly straight, or make sure they’re twisted like a cyclone. If either fails, you look like a crooked idiot. If you succeed, you look like you care about your looks and deserve to walk the catwalk instead. Horizontal stripes on the other hand are just too damn busy. The uniform designers try to make it appear as if they’re wearing regular socks pulled up really high on top of tights. It’s a stupid look entirely, and they should just be solid. I don’t care if the color’s powder blue like the Chargers of old. They’ll indeed look like smurfs, but at least they’ll look like cool smurfs and be less off an eyesore to Gargamel.

Just imagine if you’re tripping on some acid and you get all these annoying stripes flying past you on screen. It’ll be an awesome event to watch as you’re trying to figure out which leg belongs to which team, and which color belongs on the ground. I think this is what all those uniform designers do when they’re dreaming up what the look should be. Whoever dreamed up those vertical yellow and brown socks way back when probably looked at the other designers and laughed. They realized they could make their socks look worse without needing a drop some acid, and here they are today, still as trippy as ever. Kudos to the jackass who dreamed up those socks and beat everyone at the game.

Prior to the post of head coach being filled by Bobby Bowden in 1976, there was practically nothing there for the university. Believe me when I say that nearly nobody wants to live in Tallahassee when there are some very nice places just to the west and on the beach. What was there was an all-female teaching school. Sure, they might’ve had males start attending before he got there, but it doesn’t matter. Bowden grew that little school into a football powerhouse, and by powerhouse I mean a true powerhouse for well more than a decade. He shifted the balance of power away from the Big 10 and other northern schools. The University of Florida wouldn’t have had the success it’s having now if it wasn’t for Bowden being too damn good at recruiting and they started getting table scraps at the swamp at the beginning.

We see the trickle-down effect still happening with Southern Florida and to a lesser degree Central Florida. Hell, you’ve seen the SEC grow around him because all schools around him are SEC while FSU is ACC now, but was independent for a long time. You’re even seeing little old Troy starting to pack a bite. This is the Bowden effect, and it is caused from a few attributes of his. He’s a nice good ole boy that knows how to run a football team. It’s no accident that he’s sitting atop the wins list with Joe Paterno.

By far the best way to grow a little school in Florida into a monster powerhouse of a football school is to head to the snowy north and tap into the powerhouses of the day. He had something all those schools didn’t, beautiful girls on campus, and I’m not talking “oh, she looks like in that coat” kind of beautiful. I’m talking tanned, fit, beautiful girls who love the outdoors and the beach. He’d bring the recruits down and almost never talk about football. He’d just walk them around campus to look at all the girls and tell them they dress like that year-round. When he began, the ratio was probably 20 girls per guy, a college football player’s dream. Let’s just say he didn’t have a problem collecting blue chip athletes.

Bowden is currently in his 34^th season at FSU with a stupid record of 309-91-4 during the previous 33. In those years, he’s had 20 bowl wins, two national championships, and a perfect season. Since joining the ACC in 1991, he’s won the conference 12 of the 18 years. That’s not just winning games occasionally; that’s winning the entire conference 67% of the time.

Fuck the boosters for getting spoiled by possibly the best college football coach in history. I’m an Irish fan through and through, and it pained me when FSU won out over Notre Dame in the early 1990s. It also pains me to say this, but I can’t deny the truth. Bobby Bowden is a modern-day Knute Rockne and in many ways much better. Bringing a team from obscurity to the power that is the top can only be achieved by a select few, and every one of them has earned every right to decide when they want to leave. Rockne left under his own decision, and Bowden should too.

How old are the asses trying to force him out anyway? Do they even remember a day without Bowden coaching the Noles? They’re spoiled from his success, and he might very well be having a losing season this year. A single losing season doesn’t justify a firing or forced resignation, nor does a 3 year drought on conference championships. Every business ebbs and flows, and the fact that Bobby Bowden has successfully lead the Seminoles to a winning season, every fucking year, after his first year with irrational, hormonal kids is mind blowing.

So numbnuts, how about you do us all a favor and grab one of those spears and play a nice little game that’s called seppuku? I bet you’ll enjoy it thoroughly. Bowden has earned every right to decide when he rides his golf cart into the sunset and not be told what to do by some pencil-neck who couldn’t physically flip a paper bag over on a good day. He was continuously told that he could coach as long as he wanted to for a good fucking reason. The entire success of the university has ridden on his shoulders for decades. The money from his successful football program grew the school and allowed opportunities to students otherwise unavailable. Fuck it, just go slit your wrists and stop badgering people.