So I’m fucking pissed at American Airlines. I don’t know what to think of the company other than it should seriously reconsider what it considers as “good business practices” and shove it up its ass. If anyone has had any question about where a beach bum might live, I live on the beach in Florida. It doesn’t snow here, nor does it really drop into the freezing zone more than a week or two, but American Airlines should be castrated over what they are doing here.
I’m going on a family ski trip for a week, and we’re all departing for Dallas en route to Denver at about 7am give or take; the flight’s basically taking off at the crack of dawn. We arrive, go through security, and wait for the plane to start boarding. Nothing of yet seems to be askew, but as we board and taxi from the terminal…
Jan 12 2010
American Airlines: We know why you can’t fly
Nov 20 2009
Everything’s are bigger in Texas, including idiots
Apparently the homophobic shit-storm really hit the lawnmower splattering onto the pink plastic flamingos in the redneck yards of Arkansas recently when somebody actually realized that not only did the dick sucking homophobes of Texas ban gay marriage, but also all marriages and all unions…period.
So here’s what the Texas constitution now says about marriage, ahem, and I quote from the good book, a letter from Idiocracious to Jackofius:
Sec. 32. MARRIAGE.
(a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.
(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.
That seems reasonable enough right? Marriage is a union of man and wife; ok, makes sense. Then it says the state may not create any status similar to marriage. That’s interesting, so marriage is now outlawed in the state of Texas. Way to offer your…
Nov 05 2009
Curse the “little people”
I get it; you don’t like labels and try to come up with one of your own. That much is fine, so just make some damn sense when providing your own labels. A label is still a label, so saying a scientific classification is offensive is, well, offensive. If you’re under 4’10”, roughly 147cm, and your body is properly proportioned, then you’re a midget, plain and simple. If you’re short and your body isn’t properly proportioned, then you’re a dwarf and probably suffer from one or more of the couple hundred forms of dwarfism. It’s that simple, really. If you’re really, really short and from Africa, then you might be a pygmy. It’s not that hard to figure out.
I’ve heard dwarfs say the term midget is derogatory. On the contrary, it’s no different than calling someone a giant just because they’re tall, or maybe goliath if they’re big as well…
Nov 02 2009
Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…
Requested by: JDis1323
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
Why do people continuously just never…
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
Shut the fuck up already, ok? I’m sick and tired of hearing your…
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
Fucking stop. I’m not listening… la la la la…
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
Wait, I’m sorry. Did you say something? I was distracted for a damn moment.
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
…
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
Fuck it. I’m trying to pose a proper rant here Nina. What the fuck do you want?
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
Why won’t you just shut up? I’m not paying attention anyway.
“Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…”
You say something about a leotard? I’m damn sure you said something about a…
Nov 01 2009
Can’t we decide on a single time?
I keep time, and I knowingly show up late because nobody knows what the fuck to do with time. Even the people in charge can’t make up their fucking mind about what time it is, and when they do, they change it. Then after all the countries of the fucking world decide to change their time at the same instant, we, the states united, say “Fuck you!” to the world and change everything up again. I fucking hate “daylight saving time” with a fucking passion if you haven’t already caught on. It serves no purpose, and here’s a big “Fuck you!” to all those trying to say it does; it doesn’t.
“It gives us more daylight in the day.”
Uh, no it doesn’t. I don’t remember the sun or earth to follow man’s mandates. Just wake the fuck up sooner if you want so much daylight.
“It saves energy by allowing lights to…
Oct 31 2009
I’m mad as a hatter
I guess it’s time to draw the curtain and pop the champaign. I’m not always mad and angry, I’m really just flat out mad and fit to commit. I really am mad as a hatter for Halloween. I love how society goes completely bass-ackwards for a day or even the week prior. I love how it’s socially acceptable for hot girls to dress completely skankily in whatever they desire to be. Even fat chicks are welcome to join in, so long as the rolls don’t distract and it’s tasteful given the size. I’m not a fucking chubby-chaser; I mentally put a giant laughing man logo over you.
I love walking around the streets looking at girls and imagining what they’d wear to a costume party. Would she be the kind of girl who just wears lingerie without any thought in the costume, or would she dress like the bitch slut she…
Oct 31 2009
Corn should never be called candy… EVER!!!
So it’s Halloween time again, and I love every minute of it. There is one thing I absolutely fucking hate with a passion well beyond what most people would imagine. I fucking loathe candy corn and everything that revolves around it. I don’t know who came up with it, thought it was a good product to sell, thought it remotely tasted good, or even who thought it was a brilliant idea to put “candy” next to “corn” for the product name. I don’t know many things, but this is one product that shouldn’t be around any longer.
I think the only reason it’s still in production is because it’s such a horrible product. I think it’s sold by sadists torturing kids. The kids eat it, vomit, and then go suck a dick to get the taste out of their mouths. Damn pedophiles using candy corn to tempt kids into bad acts…
Oct 26 2009
You can’t “realign” a back
I’m sick and tired of hearing people going to their chiropractor to get their back “realigned”. You’re not honing an edge on a knife. You’re not untwisting a clothes hanger. You’re not doing rock star movement #4. You can’t just realign a spine by pushing and pulling; you need surgery to do such a thing.
I’d be willing to wager that many who actually think their backs are being realigned believe in homeopathy too. How about healing stones while we’re at it? The general populous is full of ignorant dipshits I tell you. You can’t lick your back because your spine won’t let you. That’s just how the body works, and you can’t change it without some serious injury or force.
If you could actually realign a back through massage, then why don’t scoliosis patients have their problems treated with them? Answer me that one. They have seriously fucked up spines that…
Oct 23 2009
You body is not a car; get on the sidewalk
So I’m driving home today, and it’s dusk. The street lights haven’t turned on, but in a heavily wooded neighborhood, the shadows make it seem like night anyway. The headlights are on, and I see a very cautious bike rider on the sidewalk. They’re wearing a helmet like Lord Dark Helmet from Spaceballs. It was completely massive, and quite humorous. They actually looked retarded wearing all the reflective tape, vest, white shirt, massive helmet, and stayed on the sidewalk too. This was all fun until I nearly ran the fuck over a runner that was dressed in solid black, and running in the road. Your fucking ass is not a car; get the fuck on the sidewalk where you’re supposed to be.
I’m aware there are some laws somewhere about bikes on a sidewalk, but I prefer to ride mine on a sidewalk for my own safety. I run and walk…
Oct 19 2009
Big, dumb, slobbering mess of a dog
So what say you, cats or dogs? Dogs? Ok, big or little? Big? Ok, smart or dumb? Dumb? Ok, how about drooling and slobbering, care to desire that as well? Yes? Oh boy, do I have a medal just in store for you. I believe it’s called the “Seriously, what the fuck are you smoking” award. Yeah, it’s the second most prestigious award in the world behind the Darwin Awards; just ahead of the Golden Raspberry Awards.
Sometimes I just want to get inside the mind of someone who purposefully acquired a big, dumb, slobbering mess of a dog, just to see if they have any sense in there. If they do, I’d love to lobotomize their noodles until someone feels the need to go all Chief Bromden on their ass. The eternal question has always been, “cat or dog?” Why hasn’t anyone actually looked at the real question? That being,…
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