I am getting all kinds of emails asking whether gmail accounts are secure and whether China is after their information. The real issue isn’t about security, it’s about a public relations shit-storm you just made. China, you now have everybody outside your country getting pissed, and I don’t mean “oh, let them have their way in their own land” pissed, but “you’re coming on our terms now” pissed. This goes beyond the climate summit at Copenhagen where you just made a mockery of the whole situation. Currently, I see Google, VeriSign, the US Department of Defense, and a whole mess of news agencies now chomping at the bit for the next…thing. China, you just shit and fell back in it. Sure, dictate what you want to the people you govern because after being there and seeing many of the people, they’re too backwards for complete autonomy just yet. They can’t even queue properly for proper fairness of the population, and that’s desperately needed. “National queuing day” was a nice touch though; huge laugh from that one because I saw it was severely needed and apparently useless as I was getting slammed into the plate-glass doors at a McDonald’s.

Clean up this mess before I visit again, please. I don’t want to have any problems looking around the country.

I’m damn tired of channel surfing this weekend and just seeing Tiger after Tiger after Tiger. Aren’t tigers endangered? Where the hell have all these come from? Here’s what I’d place money on. HIS WIFE IS PREGNANT AGAIN!!! Elin probably had some crazy midnight cravings like many pregnant women have, and he was heading out to pick something up like pickles and strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice-cream. It’s 2am, and most people aren’t like me and wired at all hours. He fell asleep and crashed; answers are generally simple and not always some conspiracy. That’s the embarrassing aspect of this and why he doesn’t want to talk about it.

This guy’s not Kobe Bryant or any one of the NBA players and sleeping around; he’s not that stupid. He’s got a fucking hot wife that I’d tap six ways from Sunday and I’m sure he does, and he’s very meticulous about his public image. Hugh Grant was with Elizabeth Hurley when he got stuck with a hooker. That’s because she wasn’t putting out. Elin puts out and has a couple fuck trophies as proof. He’s so meticulous about his public image, that he’s better than a politician. When he says he’s not going to talk, he’s not going to talk. Drop it already!

It’s not required by Florida law to talk to the authorities over this stuff. I wouldn’t want to talk either because most of the cops in this state are more crooked than Hephaestus’s crafts. I’ve had more than my fair share of run-ins, and I’d advise everybody to never talk to them again because they’re almost all after personal glory and “making an example of” people.

Does this have something to do with golf? No. Does this matter mean jack shit? No. Stop focusing on Tiger and start covering real news you corporate advertising idiots. Maybe people will start to care again.

So here’s what the Texas constitution now says about marriage, ahem, and I quote from the good book, a letter from Idiocracious to Jackofius:

Sec. 32.  MARRIAGE.

(a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.

(b)  This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.

That seems reasonable enough right? Marriage is a union of man and wife; ok, makes sense. Then it says the state may not create any status similar to marriage. That’s interesting, so marriage is now outlawed in the state of Texas. Way to offer your ass for a pounding guys and fall back into the shit you took. Fucking idiots. That’s the kind of shit that happens when you elect retards into office. No, wait. That might offend retards by correlating the two groups. Non-sentient apes are what they are. They punch at a keyboard and not know the meaning of the words they create. They also are the ignorant fucks that think there’s a little man in the clouds telling them what to do every day. Ignorance may be bliss, but we have to live with these fucktards.

Let me offer a suggestion. NO “MARRIAGES”, AS TERMED, RECOGNIZED BY GOVERNMENTS, ONLY UNIONS!!! This goes to my philosophy on drugs, prostitutes, and whatever else you think some other human being shouldn’t do because you have a fucking problem with it. If a guy likes sucking dick, let him suck dick. If a girl loves muff diving, let her scuba till her heart’s content. Let them be just as miserable as every other fucking soul in the world. Hell, adults are capable of being responsible for themselves so stop trying to control them. What makes you think you know what’s best for another human anyway? If some girl wants to live in a polyamorous relationship with seven dwarfs doing nothing but bukaki all day, then let her; it’s her decision.

“Marriage is a holy union.” Ok, then let it be controlled by the churches where the “holy” stuff is governed. Civil unions for whomever wants to unite together in complete misery as defined by the government and let the churches decide who actually gets “married”, and they’ll define marriage for themselves too. The people with a problem for gays marrying are those that actually have sexual desires for the same sex. Who are all the politicians screaming from the rafters that homosexuality is bad? They’re the most closed-minded assholes from the South you can get, and they’re the ones caught in all the gay sex scandals. The people who don’t have a problem don’t have those sexual desires.

I’ve also heard the argument “that’s just disgusting” and that brings me to wonder if they think all heterosexual couples only copulate via the missionary position. I’ve born witness to some seriously kinky girls that just want guys. Just the missionary position? Don’t fucking kid with me with that. There’s a term called nymphomaniac for a reason. There’s no way around it, girls get hornier than hell just like guys and thinking what they do is less disgusting than gays is just ignorant. You know? Perhaps it’s better off that Texas doesn’t allow any marriages or unions. That way they’d abide by their rules and breed their idiotic genes out of the pool to benefit us all. At any rate, they’re now all technically classified as bastards.

Only steers and queers come from Texas, and they don’t look that much like steers so that kind of narrows it down.

Turns out she shaved her head to raise awareness (whatever the fuck that means) and money for cancer research. That’s probably one of the few reasons that even the most stuck-up pricks would allow someone to get away with murder, but not her school over hair. Damn zealous Catholics and their Janus-like speech. Like most groups, you tend to find two subsets of Catholics, those who don’t give a shit, and those who want you to burn at the stake for not agreeing with them. Unfortunately in this rapage, we have to deal with the group of people who need to realize that there’s a world outside of their minds and it doesn’t revolve around them. Telling someone not to come back to school until their hair grows back makes as much sense as telling a marine to pull his dick out of a sailor’s ass while on shore leave. It’ll happen eventually, but accomplishes nothing.

I really wonder what the school would do to a cancer patient; tell them they can’t come back to school until their hair grows back after chemotherapy treatment? How about someone with alopecia universalis? They’d never have a chance in hell at attaining a degree because they’re as bald as you can get. This “rule” of theirs was probably instituted to combat skin-heads or some shit, and like most rules, is applied across the board and made entirely useless, becoming a joke on its own.

To the people in charge of the school who made the decision to ban the girl because of her hair, you’re not helping anybody. On the contrary, you’re making yourselves a laughing stock to the entire world. Go say seven Hail Marys and two-hundred-ninety-seven-thousand-four-hundred-eighty-two Our Fathers for penance and get back with us sane people to see what you’ve missed.

I don’t understand the prohibition anyway. It’s just grass, a plant, not much different than tobacco in the manufacturing process: plant, water, add sun, harvest, smoke, party. For all you jack-asses proclaiming religious reasons or some other religious basis for prohibition, then ask yourself whether god made a mistake in making the plant. If someone wants to smoke it, let them fucking smoke it. It’s not like their consumption of the plant is going to directly impact your life. Now if you put a stoner in control of a car, then you might get an indirect response from decreased response times, but what’s the fucking problem with letting people party with Towelie every once in a while?

Those people in the mountains get it. It’s not something to be concerned with at all. Hell, I’d go a step further and let them toke up where you can smoke a cigarette. They’re definitely going to be getting high in the higher altitudes nowadays, but I think they’ve long been high already. I’ve noticed a few Cheshire cats walking around town every time I’m there, and I generally party with the ones playing reggae on the slopes; good times. Even the police didn’t see this as a life-altering election because it’s not high on their list of shit to prosecute. When the cops don’t give a shit, then you know nobody gives a taint. They’ve got their act together, and I wish the rest of the country would follow their example.

It’s not like this was a close one. The measure passed 73-27% which by my mathematics background directly correlates into a huge-ass fucking landslide. I don’t care if you’re drunk, stoned, blind and have to feel the tits of the Rockies to read this in Braille, or even a midget with half a pole, that’s one hell of a fucking way to tell people to chill the fuck out already.

I think I love the blokes in the mountains because many of them share the same mentality as me. I’m a senile, psychotic, don’t you fucking tempt me with your fucking bull-shit beach bum because I’ll just sit back and smile at your fucking brilliance while they’re senile, psychotic, don’t fucking tempt them with your fucking bull-shit ski bums because they’ll just sit there with a huge smile and stab your fucking eyes out with their ski poles.

Gotta love being a transplant ski bum every once in a while; you get away with so much shit because, unlike on a beach, you’re flying down a big mountain at mach 3 with pointy objects in your hands and razor-sharp sticks on your feet in total bliss. The pillars of society are we!

So Nikole Churchill got the homecoming queen crown, first non-black to do so at Hampton apparently. This should be a cause for celebration that a community of blacks would look beyond race and elect someone they wanted to elect right? No whammy, no whammy, no whammy; Stop! Damn. Turns out the black racists in the community had a problem. Never heard of a black racist? Racists aren’t just white rednecks in the KKK; they’re everywhere, and of all races. Ask an Asian kid of immigrant parents if their parents want them to be with only an Asian. Ask the same of most immigrant children, and the parents are usually very opinionated and dead-set in their views. These topics are never portrayed as racist, but the moment some southerner mentions a preference for something, it’s all over the news that they’re racist.

One topic that’s been forced down our throats in the states this past year is race because Obama was elected. I hate nearly all politicians, including Obama, not because his skin is mocha, but because of what he does. Most of my friends at college were foreigners of all kinds of races. Nobody understood why there couldn’t be a majority council or NAAWP because they were viewed as racist while a minority council and NAACP aren’t seen as such. The most racist people I’ve ever met in my life, and I’ve been to many places on this damn planet, have been from the NAACP, not the KKK or the black panthers.

Racism flows both ways. Just because the presidency has been held by “non-blacks”, there have been presidents of tribal decent, and a “black” is elected doesn’t mean only minorities gain ground in a less race-filled world. It also means that the majority infiltrates the minority too, since it stands to reason that not just the majority should be blind to race, but the minorities too. This is what happened at Hampton University. The traditionally black school elected a non-black for homecoming queen for the first time in school history. The students are viewing race as less and less of an issue just like the rest of the country. The racists had a problem with this, but no problem calling those critical of Obama’s election racist. How’s the Jim Crow taste now assholes?

Is this swine flu outbreak a pandemic? Yes, in every sense of the term. A pandemic doesn’t mean death to the world, and it doesn’t mean everyone is going to die. It just means we’ve got something very contagious flying around the fucking world like there is no tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow for H1N1, and it’s not because of a fucking vaccine.

Why the hell is this flu variant getting so much damn attention anyway? It’s not like many people are dying from this. As we stand right now, the European Centre for Disease Prevention and Control has reported that a staggering 5,382 people have died from this. There are over 6,700,000,000 people in the world, and we’re running around scared over 5,382? That’s a whole 0.00008032% of the population dying from this horrific disease.

So this disease doesn’t discriminate and will kill anyone right? It’s not looking like it. Every kind of person is getting sick, but the fat, elderly, and those with weak immune systems are the only ones sleeping in pine on this. This is exactly what the seasonal flu does, but the seasonal flu kills between 250,000 and 500,000 people each year. Look at those numbers. 250,000 on the low end, compared to 5,382. You don’t have to a mathematician to notice those two numbers aren’t even in the same ballpark.

If this flu was on par with, or even remotely close to the Spanish flu (killed 20,000,000-100,000,000 people), Asian flu (killed 2,000,000 people), Hong Kong flu (killed 1,000,000), or even the damn seasonal flu, then sure, be concerned. But it’s not, so stop freaking out.

I suggest we examine other deaths and declare a national emergency and worldwide panic for them too. I’m just glancing at some numbers, about as many people die in the USA of hydroxylic acid each year as have died of H1N1 worldwide. Worldwide, the deaths caused from hydroxylic acid are about 500,000 people. Why don’t we panic about that instead? Why not declare a national emergency for those thousands of people too? Declaring a national emergency for H1N1; Obama, you’re a complete dick.

This happened early on a Monday morning while Chilly Willy was making coffee, so what the hell is the seven year old son doing out of school? The mother is a bad parent for contributing to truancy for having her son out of school. Maybe she thinks that having her son see someone else’s dick would turn him gay and freaked. I’m really stretching any kind of sensible logic to justify the mother’s actions, and I’ve got none.

I’m really trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. If the guy was in his house, spread eagle at the window shaking it all around for the world to see yelling “hooty-hooty-hoo”, just don’t look. It’s that fucking simple. There is nothing I can think of that would justify the mother calling the cops on someone for being nude in their own home. You know what she needs? She needs a good hard gang rape; then she’d understand that just seeing a dick isn’t a problem, it’s the shit that comes along with it.

The guy didn’t go out streaking and forcing people to see him nude; he was in his own house, and the only way to see him is to look through the window. The lady should be charged with voyeurism. What’s the feminized version of Tom; Tommie, Tomilla, Tom-thumbelina? She was a Peeping Tom looking in on the guy, and I’d counter sue her for invasion or privacy and defamation of character. She’s the one who invaded someone else’s privacy. He was in his own home, minding his own business, and she spied on him and called the cops. That’s being a voyeur, that’s invasion of privacy, and she should be the one arrested.

What kind of lesson does this provide to the kid? When the mother commits two crimes, truancy and voyeurism, and has someone else arrested and charged with a bullshit accusation, there’s a problem. The kid’s going to grow up trying to wag the dog his entire life. He’ll be thinking the girl should enter him. He’ll be wanting a car to chase dogs. This is so fucking backwards that I’m livid that shit like this happens. Fuck her for being a disgrace to the human race.

Excuse me while I pick my scruffy-assed chin off the damn floor with a forklift. I seriously don’t know what to think about this. Paramount, Nick’s parent company, is in the movie business and wants to turn out more turtles movies. After the disaster that was TMNT, I’m hoping they don’t keep going down that fucking track. The train went all fugitive long ago and has been rusting away in a pit of despair somewhere.

So what do they plan on doing with the franchise, that they’ve told us that is: a series and a movie. Ok, sounds sane; let’s check who’s working on it. The guys behind The Madagascar Penguins and Kung-Fu Panda are doing the series? Hot damn! Wait, they didn’t work on the movies, just the series based on the movies? Fuck, and here I had my hopes up. How about the movie? Oh, the guys behind 10,000 BC and TMNT…well…shit.

Nick, how about you try something actually worth doing and taking the turtles really back to their roots where it was violent action with a lot of emotion, and not some stupid-ass slapstick joke of a product. They sliced and diced robot foot soldiers in the original series, but did you know they actually killed people in the original comic? I doubt you’ll have the cojones to really go after the roots, so just make sure there’s enough violence. They are the teenage mutant NINJA turtles after all; last I checked, ninjas actually fought and assassinated people.

Take the series, and dump it on the production studio that did Avatar. That would be amazing to see. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t you fucking dare fuck this up! You have a chance to resurrect one of the best franchises in the history of franchises at the cost of $60 million. That’s one huge investment and whatever you plan on doing, you’re going to finally solve my age-old problem with where your company, channels, and whatever else you touch is going. You’re either going dive bomb the company into the grassy knoll with cowboy hat riding a bomb, or you’re going to be sailing away in the clouds like Aang.

I wrote off the franchise years ago as a casualty of the marketing greed that exists in the production studios as they made shitty product after shitty product. They kept trying to force their crap down everyone’s throats and it was met with harsh criticism. Anybody remember Venus de Milo? Exactly! Fuck you, Nickelodeon, for confusing the shit out of me with this deal.

Why do people just assume that an illegal alien is Mexican? I know many illegal aliens whom are Russian, Turkish, Jamaican, Romanian, Chinese, Thai, or even Cuban. Why limit it to just Mexicans? I find that racist and very distasteful, mean-spirited, and ignorant of the fact that there are more countries than just Mexico and the USA. The company that made the hilarious costume is based in Wisconsin. You think they give two shits about Mexicans way the hell up there? All they want to do is club baby seals like Canada. They’re mocking those idiots in California putting up such a stink. They’re shoving the gruel down their throats, and the racists in California don’t like being force-fed crap. However, they would gladly cram their racist agenda down ours.

They’re looking at the big picture in life. There is no meaning to our existence, and if some alien beings came down and visited, they’d be illegal too right? Or is that special classification solely reserved for Mexicans? Regardless of what you think of it, it’s fucking hilarious. Humor in the English language revolves around puns and double meanings, and this takes double meanings to a whole new light. I can walk around in an orange jumpsuit with “Illegal Alien” printed on it, holding a green card without a mask and people would just look at me like I’m stupid. If I were Mexican, it would be hilarious. If I had a mask of an alien, it would be even more hilarious from the literal interpretation. Jokes are meant to be politically incorrect, and fuck off for trying to censor it by voicing disapproval. Look for the Aristocrats joke to see what I mean; learn to laugh.

I find it really disturbing that a racist group thinks that a costume company is singling them out over this. The audacity to believe that they are so damn important that ignoring all other countries of the world don’t qualify as alien to this country pisses me off. Want to make this about race? Stop pissing people off by proclaiming you get special treatment due to where you’re from and go through the proper channels. Don’t ask for a handout. Don’t ask for a fast track through whatever. Don’t ask for special accommodations just because you got lucky, or unlucky, and were born to parents in a certain location of the planet. Piss off, and look at yourselves long and hard in the mirror and think to yourself, “Have I lost all sense of humor?”