Excuse me while I pick my scruffy-assed chin off the damn floor with a forklift. I seriously don’t know what to think about this. Paramount, Nick’s parent company, is in the movie business and wants to turn out more turtles movies. After the disaster that was TMNT, I’m hoping they don’t keep going down that fucking track. The train went all fugitive long ago and has been rusting away in a pit of despair somewhere.

So what do they plan on doing with the franchise, that they’ve told us that is: a series and a movie. Ok, sounds sane; let’s check who’s working on it. The guys behind The Madagascar Penguins and Kung-Fu Panda are doing the series? Hot damn! Wait, they didn’t work on the movies, just the series based on the movies? Fuck, and here I had my hopes up. How about the movie? Oh, the guys behind 10,000 BC and TMNT…well…shit.

Nick, how about you try something actually worth doing and taking the turtles really back to their roots where it was violent action with a lot of emotion, and not some stupid-ass slapstick joke of a product. They sliced and diced robot foot soldiers in the original series, but did you know they actually killed people in the original comic? I doubt you’ll have the cojones to really go after the roots, so just make sure there’s enough violence. They are the teenage mutant NINJA turtles after all; last I checked, ninjas actually fought and assassinated people.

Take the series, and dump it on the production studio that did Avatar. That would be amazing to see. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t you fucking dare fuck this up! You have a chance to resurrect one of the best franchises in the history of franchises at the cost of $60 million. That’s one huge investment and whatever you plan on doing, you’re going to finally solve my age-old problem with where your company, channels, and whatever else you touch is going. You’re either going dive bomb the company into the grassy knoll with cowboy hat riding a bomb, or you’re going to be sailing away in the clouds like Aang.

I wrote off the franchise years ago as a casualty of the marketing greed that exists in the production studios as they made shitty product after shitty product. They kept trying to force their crap down everyone’s throats and it was met with harsh criticism. Anybody remember Venus de Milo? Exactly! Fuck you, Nickelodeon, for confusing the shit out of me with this deal.

For those of you who aren’t informed enough on the War of the Worlds story, aliens come and attack Earth and beat the shit out of the people. The way they’re defeated is by bacteria and viruses killing them. Sounds like an M. Night Shamalamading-dong story doesn’t it? The story’s over 100 years old, and viruses were a new discovery then. A culture so advanced as one traveling across space to attack Earth would certainly have thought of contaminants. We’re stupid, and we think of that when sending probes to other planets.

What’s this got to do with the Will Smith movie? Think about it for a second. It’s the same damn story. Aliens attack Earth, humans fight back, aliens beat the living shit out of the humans, aliens die from a virus. The difference is the virus is a computer virus in the movie, and that’s where my fucking problem comes into play. I can’t get my fucking PDA to talk to my computer and I’m supposed to accept that a single person, Jeff Goldblum’s character, can write a massively complex computer program that is designed to cripple a computer on a spaceship of a race so far technologically advanced than ours. A computer he hasn’t even seen no less. Fuck! Just give up trying and put Will Smith in a movie with giant robot spider next time ok? Oh, wait a second. They did do that didn’t they?

What’s the computer program safest from hackers? I don’t know, and that’s the point. If you don’t know what you’re attacking, you can’t attack it. Macs have fewer viruses than Windows because nobody cares to write them. You can’t stick a laptop next to a toaster and expect the toaster to get a virus. If that were the case, then every girl would be catching the latest Trojan horse virus in town every time they shoved a vibrator up their ass.