So I’m seeing all across the news wire that Tiger Woods crashed. Big fucking deal. What I should be seeing on the news is the Russian train that was bombed that was carrying hundreds of dignitaries, politicians, elites where many of them were killed. You know, people of importance. If Tiger died in the car wreck, sure, it would make sense to be headlining everywhere, but nothing of consequence happened. I’m damn tired of channel surfing this weekend and just seeing Tiger after Tiger after Tiger. Aren’t tigers endangered? Where the hell have all these come from? Here’s what I’d place money on. HIS WIFE IS PREGNANT AGAIN!!! Elin probably had some crazy midnight cravings like many pregnant women have, and he was heading out to pick something up like pickles and strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice-cream. It’s 2am, and most people aren’t like me and wired at all hours. He fell…
Nov 20 2009
Everything’s are bigger in Texas, including idiots
Apparently the homophobic shit-storm really hit the lawnmower splattering onto the pink plastic flamingos in the redneck yards of Arkansas recently when somebody actually realized that not only did the dick sucking homophobes of Texas ban gay marriage, but also all marriages and all unions…period. So here’s what the Texas constitution now says about marriage, ahem, and I quote from the good book, a letter from Idiocracious to Jackofius: Sec. 32. MARRIAGE. (a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman. (b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage. That seems reasonable enough right? Marriage is a union of man and wife; ok, makes sense. Then it says the state may not create any status similar to marriage. That’s interesting, so marriage is now outlawed in the state of Texas….
Nov 10 2009
One hairy Catholic school system
Hahahaha… getting kicked out of school for shaving your head… that’s one of the most hilarious jokes I’d… huh? That actually happened? Let me dig my jaw out from China because it hit with such force it cracked through the fucking planet. Without reading anything into the story, this is already shaping up to be a classic bowl of polished shit used to play croquet with. Better have the tarts for the queen or you’ll be sorry. Turns out she shaved her head to raise awareness (whatever the fuck that means) and money for cancer research. That’s probably one of the few reasons that even the most stuck-up pricks would allow someone to get away with murder, but not her school over hair. Damn zealous Catholics and their Janus-like speech. Like most groups, you tend to find two subsets of Catholics, those who don’t give a shit, and those who…
Nov 10 2009
This bud’s for you
Gotta love the Breck. It’s quite possibly my favorite ski town, and they’ve just grown in clout with their recent vote to decriminalize marijuana and related paraphernalia. That’s right, Breckenridge, the drinking town with a skiing problem just allowed people to smoke some bud. Gotta love such civility in today’s fucked up world of “kill all who appose my view”. It just makes me sick, and Breck just put a shit-eating grin on my face. I don’t understand the prohibition anyway. It’s just grass, a plant, not much different than tobacco in the manufacturing process: plant, water, add sun, harvest, smoke, party. For all you jack-asses proclaiming religious reasons or some other religious basis for prohibition, then ask yourself whether god made a mistake in making the plant. If someone wants to smoke it, let them fucking smoke it. It’s not like their consumption of the plant is going to…
Nov 05 2009
Curse the “little people”
I get it; you don’t like labels and try to come up with one of your own. That much is fine, so just make some damn sense when providing your own labels. A label is still a label, so saying a scientific classification is offensive is, well, offensive. If you’re under 4’10”, roughly 147cm, and your body is properly proportioned, then you’re a midget, plain and simple. If you’re short and your body isn’t properly proportioned, then you’re a dwarf and probably suffer from one or more of the couple hundred forms of dwarfism. It’s that simple, really. If you’re really, really short and from Africa, then you might be a pygmy. It’s not that hard to figure out. I’ve heard dwarfs say the term midget is derogatory. On the contrary, it’s no different than calling someone a giant just because they’re tall, or maybe goliath if they’re big as…
Nov 02 2009
Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…
Requested by: JDis1323 “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” Why do people continuously just never… “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” Shut the fuck up already, ok? I’m sick and tired of hearing your… “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” Fucking stop. I’m not listening… la la la la… “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” Wait, I’m sorry. Did you say something? I was distracted for a damn moment. “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” … “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” Fuck it. I’m trying to pose a proper rant here Nina. What the fuck do you want? “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment…” Why won’t you just shut up? I’m not paying attention anyway. “Corporate accounts payable, Nina…
Nov 01 2009
Can’t we decide on a single time?
I keep time, and I knowingly show up late because nobody knows what the fuck to do with time. Even the people in charge can’t make up their fucking mind about what time it is, and when they do, they change it. Then after all the countries of the fucking world decide to change their time at the same instant, we, the states united, say “Fuck you!” to the world and change everything up again. I fucking hate “daylight saving time” with a fucking passion if you haven’t already caught on. It serves no purpose, and here’s a big “Fuck you!” to all those trying to say it does; it doesn’t. “It gives us more daylight in the day.” Uh, no it doesn’t. I don’t remember the sun or earth to follow man’s mandates. Just wake the fuck up sooner if you want so much daylight. “It saves energy by…