Mad Beach Bum

So it’s Halloween time again, and I love every minute of it. There is one thing I absolutely fucking hate with a passion well beyond what most people would imagine. I fucking loathe candy corn and everything that revolves around it. I don’t know who came up with it, thought it was a good product to sell, thought it remotely tasted good, or even who thought it was a brilliant idea to put “candy” next to “corn” for the product name. I don’t know many things, but this is one product that shouldn’t be around any longer.

I think the only reason it’s still in production is because it’s such a horrible product. I think it’s sold by sadists torturing kids. The kids eat it, vomit, and then go suck a dick to get the taste out of their mouths. Damn pedophiles using candy corn to tempt kids into bad acts is just damn wrong. But it still doesn’t add up to anything. Molesters aren’t random strangers; they’re usually close friends and family, so why do people actually hand out candy corn anymore if not for the kids I wonder.

It’s the longest running gag in the history of modern society. The joke needs to fucking stop and stop immediately. I remember going door to door as a kid and running up with all the other kids with a huge smile on my face. I remember the person at the door with a huge bowl of candy saying whatever it is they say when opening the door; usually something stupid and not worth remembering. I remember them tossing something into a bag or plastic pumpkin I’d be holding to collect the candy and other treats. I remember running off without looking at the gift horse, and then when I rendezvoused with the rest of my gang to examine our spoils, my heart sank. I didn’t receive the crown jewel of Halloween candies, Reese’s buttercups, but instead was left with the flattest note around. I was left with plastic triangles acting like candy, the spy in our army’s base. You couldn’t trade anything for them, nor give them away. Nobody wanted them, not even the parents stealing their kids’ candy; yes, we knew parents stole our stuff. Candy corn is the old maid of candy, and even worse than a 7-2 off. There’s no point to them, and how the production companies have tricked so many people into continuing this game befuddles me entirely.

I got a kick out of people who’d give away nickels and quarters because I’m a numismatist. I thought it was funny when they’d offer a trick instead of a treat. I laughed at people who got all worked up about everything. We all wanted one thing in the end, candy and lots of it. When the kids go to trick-or-treat, they’re wanting candy, not tri… Oh, it’s all one big fucking joke, one big trick. Ok, I get it now, touché salesman, but I still hate the shit.

Minified Link: http://madbeachbum.com/c435

Tags: Candy Corn, Halloween