Am I the only person in the fucking world that isn’t sucking Apple’s dick over their iPhone? I know the damn thing’s been out for quite some time now, and it’s still a piece of shit phone. I wouldn’t trade my four year old Palm Treo 650 for an iPhone, two strawberry tarts, six grains of rice, and a week with Balinese strippers. I’d gladly give it up for some action with a world-class gymnast though; oh, my mind’s doing handsprings thinking about the possible positions with flexibility like that. Down boy…Down!
I look at the device and see it’s a black brick with a piece of glass. It turns on and I’m immediately supposed to be taking it from Apple in complete obedience? That’s just not how I role-play. I see from the commercials that you’ve got an app for everything, but I must get everything from you guys. I can’t just go somewhere else and get something I want because you might disagree with it, and ban such actions. I’m a sick, twisted fuck, and I like having sick, twisted shit. I don’t want some completely unholy mess of an applications list forcing me to get an additional app just to organize all the apps. I’ve seen the apps my friends have, and it’s worse than Biloxi, Mississippi after Katrina.
I want a damn keyboard I can tell I’m pressing. I don’t want some on-screen display saying “push here for candy” to get a single letter. I want something I can use behind my back when I need to make those “secret” messages. What about the blind? They need phones too, but I guess they’re too different to be able to properly use something that’s only viewed as a fashion accessory. The blind don’t have to look good too, do they?
I can’t begin to explain how many times I’ve had friends iDial me when the phone is somehow becomes unlocked and calls me. I’ve heard some interesting conversations just dropping some eaves, but it gets annoying. What about a physical switch or key combo to actually unlock the phone? There’s just a touchscreen, and nothing special about that aside from getting overly greasy from being pressed against your face. You just have to treat it like a girl and touch it in the right places at the right time to have it act the way you want it to. I’ve actually slid a friend’s phone along the carpet and unlocked it and had it fucking dial someone. Seriously Apple, you can’t make a decent device that actually works well, but instead have to go on aesthetics alone? Oh wait, you guys are the fucktards who want everybody to use single-button mice because two buttons is too fucking complicated to understand.
I hate the iPhone with a passion. So much in fact, that I decided to relieve users of some cash to pad my wallet. I can find my way around a few computers, and decided to make some apps for the device a while back. I started the entire process and got to the point where Apple didn’t tell you anything about their device. It was a complete circle-jerk for current Mac developers. “Remember how wonderful it is to develop for the Mac? We’ve brought that experience to iPhone.” Wait, people actually enjoy this shit? Please pass whatever the hell you’re spiking their drinks with over to me. To make an app, you either have to be a pre-schooler doing point-and-click stuff, or have a PhD in encrypted Gaelic transliterated into fucking Siberian using the Korean alphabet with a Sanskrit accent or some shit. There’s no useful information they provide, and I’d rather have more teeth pulled than deal with their shit again.
This all reminds me of a story involving a monkey and an apple. This guy brings a monkey into a bar and they sit and order drinks. The guy gets whisky and the monkey a Shirley Temple. The drinks come and the monkey takes the cherry, shoves it up his ass, and then eats it. The bartender freaks, “what the hell?” The guy then begins to explain that the monkey used to eat everything in site without caution; cherries, peanuts, whatever he got his hands on. The monkey then grabbed a small apple and swallowed it whole and nearly choked. The apple was fake and therefore didn’t digest, and the monkey was in extreme pain for over a week as he tried to pass it through. Nowadays, the monkey sizes everything up first by shoving it up his ass because he doesn’t want to get raped again like he was by that apple.
November 30th, 2009 1:31 pm
OK so I have been meaning to do this for a while and am just getting around to it. I disagree with you. You are correct in that it is not the best “phone”. That being said, I don’t use it as a phone very often. That is not why i have it. its just convenient to have everything else it can do in the same package as your phone. You are also correct that it is not the best for people like you (the programmers etc. that don’t like to conform to someone else; I don’t like to conform myself) unless you jailbreak it. Once you do that it is just great for you. As for the keyboard situation, I like the screen keyboard and find it just as easy to use as a hard, clickable keyboard. As for the secret message behind your back, if you can type on a traditional qwerty keyboard without looking at the keyboard you can also do it on iPhone; at least I can. The blind can use the iPhone. The 3GS model has many universal access options such as speaking what is on the screen and the letters you type. Or if you are color blind the screen can be black on white. It can actually be a very good phone for the disabled. And who says blind people don’t have to look good by the way? Just cause they cant see doesn’t mean that every one else can’t see them. iDial? Really? REALLY? I think you’re lying. There are four people in my family, we all have iPhones and this has never happened to any of us, I asked. The “iDial” you speak of is more likely than not just someone not locking the phone before they put it in their pocket. Also, you can set a code in order to unlock the phone most people are simply too lazy to do so. When you unlocked the phone with the carpet and dialed did you have your finger or some other piece of flesh or material that capacitive toch screens respond to between the two because otherwise I know you are lying. I slide mine across the carpet all the time and that has never happened–bottom line. As for the grease from your face, it’s true. It can get greasy; however, they are working on that and on the 3GS they have some coating on it that reduces that and it works quite well. There is far less grease and fingerprints than on my old one. I find that apple makes many products that are decent devices and work very well while also being aesthetically pleasing by the way, but that’s for another day when you rant about macs. This is about iPhone so I digress. But just so you know, you can right click on their mice or use control+click. Yet again, I digress…When it comes to programming and making apps I do agree with you. They are very secretive about their devices and how to create the apps. I personally couldn’t find anything that told you how to do it and I wouldn’t even go near that again either. Finally, funny story. Soooo, in conclusion, I agree with you that iPhone has faults and could be better, but I think it will get better in regards to its shortcomings. However, I love it and will probably never have another kind of phone again…if I can help it. That’s all folks!