There I was. Watching some good old television over the weekend, and there’s no football on, so I’m just flipping the channels by faster than a Filipino hooker turning tricks on the corner. I come across a movie playing on some station that I immediately remembered and started watching it. It’s a movie that I did enjoy and thought was pretty entertaining throughout, so I kept watching. That is until I remembered how fucked up the ending is and had to walk away before I got deep into the plot and couldn’t pull out in time. Independence Day my ass; try War of the Worlds but “spicier” as translated into “let’s just give up on a fucking ending”.
For those of you who aren’t informed enough on the War of the Worlds story, aliens come and attack Earth and beat the shit out of the people. The way they’re defeated is by bacteria and viruses killing them. Sounds like an M. Night Shamalamading-dong story doesn’t it? The story’s over 100 years old, and viruses were a new discovery then. A culture so advanced as one traveling across space to attack Earth would certainly have thought of contaminants. We’re stupid, and we think of that when sending probes to other planets.
What’s this got to do with the Will Smith movie? Think about it for a second. It’s the same damn story. Aliens attack Earth, humans fight back, aliens beat the living shit out of the humans, aliens die from a virus. The difference is the virus is a computer virus in the movie, and that’s where my fucking problem comes into play. I can’t get my fucking PDA to talk to my computer and I’m supposed to accept that a single person, Jeff Goldblum’s character, can write a massively complex computer program that is designed to cripple a computer on a spaceship of a race so far technologically advanced than ours. A computer he hasn’t even seen no less. Fuck! Just give up trying and put Will Smith in a movie with giant robot spider next time ok? Oh, wait a second. They did do that didn’t they?
What’s the computer program safest from hackers? I don’t know, and that’s the point. If you don’t know what you’re attacking, you can’t attack it. Macs have fewer viruses than Windows because nobody cares to write them. You can’t stick a laptop next to a toaster and expect the toaster to get a virus. If that were the case, then every girl would be catching the latest Trojan horse virus in town every time they shoved a vibrator up their ass.